As salamu alaykum. I'm really tired or this dunya. Sometimes I just wish I could sleep and wake up in Jannah. When I see our brothers and sisters die in Palestine I just wish I could die as a martyr and go straight to Jannah, but I'm probably not worthy of such an honor to die as a martyr.
I feel my life is not going anywhere. I'm almost three decades in this life with no real job (kinda), no wife, no house, no money... while some people I studied with have stable jobs, are married and even have kids...
I studied abroad (engineering) and I thought I would find a job quickly and start a life. Even though I was first of class I couldn't secure a job. I went back home and tried to find something but it didn't work. However I ended up going to another country for a PhD. During that time COVID started. I was alone, and everything didn't go smoothly with my thesis, with my supervisor. I felt into depression. I had lots or anxiety. I ended up going back home (as suggested by the International students office to feel better and continue later).
Back home, I continued to take some pills prescribed by a psychiatrist... After some time, I suddenly stopped taking them coz I didn't want to. I had some side effects but they disappeared. I didn't know if I should go back to finish my PhD or do something else. For the time being, I decided to do a 1 year online program and shift career (in my mind I was leaving the PhD behind ). After graduating from the program, I thought I could find a good job abroad and move there. I applied to several offers by I couldn't secure any job. I started to feel depressed and anxious again. My savings were diminishing and I was still living at my brother's house. Our parents live in another city.
I ended up finding an internship here which is lower than my degree level, and I don't really like it. Going to work feels like torture. For someone who is introverted, with misophinia, anxiety, depression... it's really painful to work around and with people: I have to do things and endure things I don't like, be around people while they make their annoying noises, take and make phone calls which I hate to do...
My university contacted me to notify that I would be considered a dropout if I don't defend my thesis in the following couple of months. I thought I had left it behind but when they contacted me I felt horrible because I couldn't do anything about it. This PhD and my supervisor caused be serious mental breakdown but at the same time I wanted to complete it but with the level of progress I did it would be impossible to finish and get the degree.
Today I haven't completed that PhD (it makes me feel even worse, like a failure, I wish I could have gotten that PhD, maybe I'd be somewhere doing great things that I like, building a life...) I'm in an internship below my level and I'll probably get a short term work contract after that, not as an Engineer which I am but as a technician. I feel bad because I don't have a position at the level of my degree which makes me feel less important and also it means I can't earn as much, which means delay in settling, getting married... I really feel I need a spouse. I feel so lonely in this life (even if parents and siblings are there, I still feel alone, I do need someone with whom I could share things, share my life, be intimate), there are desires also, and it is frustrating, depressing. Time is advancing and it feels like I will never get married. I even wonder if anyone would want to marry someone like me.
People have abused my kindness and empathy, they took things away from me. At 16 I left my home country to move abroad for studies and now that I'm back here, I don't feel well here, I don't feel I belong here, I don't wanna here. I want to move far away somewhere, far from people. Move to someplace I could find a good job. But I can't... I feel trapped like in a prison. I have no choice right now but to stay at my brother's house. I don't have money to move out. Also my savings that I have left, a family member took it from me, they said they'll pay back a few months ago but they didn't pay and I don't think they will pay soon.
I feel my life is a mess, wasted, I don't have a life. Sometimes I think maybe I did some bad choices (like not completing my engineering degree in a different university abroad...) in the past and i wish I could go back to do things differently, maybe things could have been better. People that know me, would because of my degrees, my achievings in studies, how I was always top in school, I'd find a great job, have lots of money, be somewhere abroad... but I have none of that. I feel like a failure, ashamed... I'm so tired of life. I wish I could just disappear.
If I didn't have Islam, I think I could not continue anymore. The truth is I don't know how to continue forward. I'm angry, tired, depressed, anxious... all the time time. When I wake up in the morning, I wish the night could have been longer. My chest is so constricted. I have no friends. I don't even have the strength to dream and wish for things at some point...
I don't know what to do
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