I've come to realize that belief doesn't always correlate with knowledge. I grew up in a religious household and had a deep interest in Islam. I’ve read extensively, gained significant knowledge about Islam, its history, and can confidently debate complex topics like jihad, women's rights, and slavery in Islam, always striving to present Islam’s perspective in a positive light. But I’ve come to understand that knowledge doesn’t translate into faith.
Recently, I’m going through an extremely difficult time. For the first few months, I managed with faith and dua, staying hopeful and positive. But now, I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom. I sometimes find myself angry at Allah (may He forgive me). Even though I know in my heart that Allah exists and Islam is the truth, I feel myself drifting away from Islam because my duas seem unanswered. Praying has become a chore, and I constantly feel overwhelmed by despair, questioning where Allah is in all of this.
Today, I was reflecting on how, a few years ago, I would defend Islam passionately online. Even now, I know Islam is the truth, but I find myself questioning where Allah is and struggling with negative thoughts. This is a scary place to be.
It’s humbling to realize that no matter how much you know about Islam, it doesn’t matter if you can’t stand firm in your faith during times of hardship. I’m putting this out there because, despite all my knowledge, I now see that I’ve always lacked a basic emotional connection with Allah. An old, simple woman in the desert who has little knowledge but a pure connection to Allah is in a better position than I am with all my rationality and intellectual understanding. While knowledge is important, when your faith is truly tested, no amount of fiqhi or historical knowledge will carry you through.
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