I am fasting for ramadan this year, and I have been thinking about converting for 2 years now. But always after one week of Ramadan I feel like I am cosplaying a being a part of something I am just not.
I fee close to Allah in the first week, also being in the mosque wirh friends sometimes, but never praying regularily. I did for some weeks last year but then panicked and didnt think about islam for some weeks.
I just feel like now I am fasting without real reason because the only real reason to do it is for god and I am not even in the religion. I dont know whats wrong but that happends every time I overthink and panic and distance myself from the religion for a certain time. But I always come back.
But what if I only love the community and aesthetic, being a part of something? For me many things make sense and I am really open minded. Also in my culture islam is seen as something dangerous so its hard for me.
I sdont know if I should keep on fasting. I dont know if i fit this religion or if i am just trying to change myself into a form. I dont know if my world view matches wirh islam. I dont know if I am just trying to make myself believe, instead of rlly believing. For years now this overthinking is keeping me up at night. Sonetimes I feel god but then soometimes I really couldnt care less
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