Can you guys help me with specific prayers or stuff that I can do to dream about her?
So I lost a really loved one, a girl who accepted my flaws as it is, who didn't ever get bored from me opening up and telling her all my flaws and kept me safe and even encouraged me to do better, wether it's with my relationship with God, fighting addictions and even doomscrolling. I really really love her infact I adore her.
I didn't do her justice when she were alive, I thought by refusing any form of love would I be safe, I didn't accept my feelings till she told me her lifespan, now I'm torn if I loved her before that or after it, and it just hurts so much to think that if my feelings were only amplified by it or did I really love her that. I mean I liked talking to her, starting my day I would message her, something funny I would share with her, just talk about life, waiting for her replies, I know all of that screams love but why didn't I think of "I love her", maybe because she was 2 years older, maybe because she was much smarter, maybe because she even had a guy she would always talk about.
The thought that I might have only became her boyfriend for the last days of her life because I couldn't understand my feelings hurts me so much, I rather to believe that I was lying to myself the entire time I knew her before her telling me my span.
I still adore her now I want to be hers in heaven and do her the justice she deserves.
It pains me whenever I go to sleep and I don't dream of her "does she forgive me?", "Did I love her like a partner?", "Why doesn't she want to visit me and ease life on me like she always did?", why am I thinking of her saying 'sorry, love sorry for everything" while she's crying and turning her back and leaving, I don't want that.
Also thoughts like "why can't she visit me is she in hell?"
"Why can't she visit me is she having a hard life in barzakh?" I can't help but overthink everything.
I know that with "hardness comes ease, with hardness comes ease" I want to her to be the ease our time together was short I can't handle it.
I wanted to travel with her, hang out more, go to festivals and ceremonies.
I just want to see her again, talk to her again, I want to know if she will be my wife and partner in heaven since we couldn't even reach the age of marriage together.
I'm going to become old and wrinkle and she will always be as youthful as ever I want her to see me getting older, to guide me again, to tell me "I'm with you it's gonna be okay", to tell me "I'm happy here thanks for everything im waiting for you to put the ring here just like you promised if I had time.".
I literally can't type enough so if you guys have any questions please feel free to ask.
So please can any of you help know how to dream of her, I have been praying for it much, crying while praying for it, it has been 2 months and it just gets harder.
