Assalamualeikum wa Rahmatullahiwa Barakatu.
I don't really know who to go to in order to properly discuss this because it's such a ghost topic in our community. As muslim children of muslim parents (or not sometimes) we hear it over and over how we cannot disobey or dissociate from our parents unless they push us towards haram.
I agree with the fact that speaking with respect and compassion is essential for a good character, however, I struggle to actually show any kind of compassion or respect because I get yelled at during arguments. In fact, all I can do is remain silent to keep things at "Father is screaming and smashing my whole entire room"
I have a father who unfortunately isn't interested in learning how muslim men should behave. For him, praying sometimes and paying bills is perfection. There is no control of the nafs, or gentleness, or actual educational skills you are supposed to work for as you grow with your children.
By Allah I've come to a point where I dread coming back home after college. I think about it all day and it keeps me up at night : the fear of getting threatened with brutality, or pulled by the hair or insulted with the same words that Mary the mother of prophet Jesus heard.
And it starts over tiny things : my brother tells my sisters to not touch something and boom : he's getting barked at, dragged everywhere, then my mother gets blamed for not raising him correctly... Wallah I usually shut my mouth too, pretend I'm somewhere else but when it's ramadan and as fasting humans, we are valued in the "eyes" of Allah, I cannot take the injustice. Imagine the pillar of the house ruining iftar for his family, making some cry, some shake in fear...Who is he for me to fear him like that?
For the iftar situation, I tried to speak reasonably with my father : telling him gently that my sisters should sometimes behave as it is better for them. I do not seek pity by sharing that, but he shouted over me so much I said "fine, I'm not speaking to you then", and I made a motion with my hand.
He screamed he wanted to punch me till I fly across the room, spat at me, and poured hot coffee over my iftar plate.
This is just an example among too many.
The excuse is alwasy the same : "don't talk to your father like that"/ "ungrateful brat"/"Allah will burn you in hell if you rebell!"
But I'm fed up... I pray often that Allah calms my fears, and guides both my father and mother who enables him. Don't become kind, just stop hitting, screaming and threatening me.
I tell Allah how I can't stand injustice, and never meant for things to escalate. But scholars talk about patience like it's the only solution. I don't want anything from either of my parents, I only want Allah swt, the most Just, most Wise.
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