As-salamu alaykum,
Please read fully, I need advice.
I need help understanding why people say Allah won’t accept my prayers because I smoke weed. In my heart, I don’t personally believe that weed is haram, but I will never claim the Quran says it isn't because I am not knowledgeable enough and would never want to mislead anyone.
For a long time, I stopped praying completely because people kept telling me my prayers wouldn't be accepted. I tried my best to avoid other sins, but one day, I committed a very major sin. On my way home, Quran randomly started playing on my phone, and I broke down crying. I was crying out of guilt for the sin I had committed and fear of what Allah would do to me, but also out of heartbreak because I felt like I couldn't even pray to ask Him for forgiveness since I smoke every day. I felt completely stuck. Fast forward a few months, and I finally decided: I don't care what people say anymore—I am going to pray, even if I continue to struggle with smoking.
I have always tried my best to live a good life. I am respectful to everyone, especially my elders. My parents mean everything to me—I love and respect them deeply from my heart, not just because it is an obligation in Islam, but because I genuinely adore them and try never to burden them. I try to be kind, smile at others, and follow the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). Today, I even took off my gold jewelry for the first time (I’m male), which was really hard for me because those pieces were sentimental gifts from my mother. (Previously, I would only take them off while praying.) Every day in my prayers, I ask Allah to remove my desire for things that might be haram.
Smoking weed has become a routine for me because it helps me manage my anxiety, control my anger issues, and generally enjoy life. It also helps me fall asleep at night, which is something I really struggle with. I smoke in the morning, sometimes between prayers, and at night. However, I make sure never to smoke right before I pray because I want to be fully focused during my prayer. I could easily obtain a medical card for my condition, but doing so would restrict certain civil rights, such as the right to bear arms in some states, which makes that option complicated for me.
My questions are:
Is Allah truly not rewarding me, accepting my supplications (dua), or accepting my prayers just because I smoke weed—even though it helps me with my mental health?
Do I really have to pick between praying and smoking, or am I doing the right thing by continuing to pray anyway?
What should I do when I feel so conflicted?
