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How can i find my way back

Hey So I've always have been close to Allah even tho i struggled with prayers like any human being but i always go back immediately al...

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So I've always have been close to Allah even tho i struggled with prayers like any human being but i always go back immediately always talk to Allah always remembering him.... After i wore the hijab everything was still fine, after a year or smth i HATED the hijab it ruined my hair i got scalp problems and i just started hating it so much till this year where i decided to make a plan to leave somewhere else and just take it off, but ever since i feel like allah pushed me awayyyy, i can no longer pray, i do remember him i love Allah i just even tho i want to pray i can't get myself to do it, ik it's wrong to feel this way but i feel like allah is mad at me for this plan but I also still HATE hijab and i believe that it's not mandatory (pls don't try to convinced me, bc even if it was it still ruined my life my confidence) ik you'll say my problem is deeper than hijab and it's about my self esteem, maybe i do know that, but i didn't suffer this much before wearing it, why would i suffer bc of a peice of fabric!!! I just don't get it even if it was mandatory, it's not for me I'm weaker than this, and if it was a test it's beyond my limits

Is Allah mad at me? ​

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For things like disbelief someone can get sent to hell forever. I just think that's a little too much? An infinite punishment for finite sin?

Imagine being in your trillionth year in hell over something like doubting God's existance.

At point, would you even remember why you're there?

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Assalamu alaikum,

I just wanted to share a personal story that might help Muslims who are struggling with doubts; whether about Islam being the true religion or the Holy Qur’an being the word of Allah (سبحانه وتعالى).

Like many Muslims born in Muslim-majority countries, I grew up reading the Qur’an, learning it from a young age, and being encouraged to pray on time. That was part of my routine. But over time, doubts started to grow in me.

A big reason for that was seeing the suffering happening in places like Palestine, Sudan, Bosnia during the war with Serbia, and among the Uyghurs, and even reflecting on hardships throughout history since the death of the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم). It made me question the fairness of this life. The test in this dunya started to feel unequal.

For example, I would think about a Palestinian child suffering from hunger and cold, and compare that to someone living a comfortable life whose test is simply to stay humble and help others. It didn’t seem balanced to me. It felt like some people were given much harsher tests than others.

Because of that, I slowly lost interest. I couldn’t bring myself to fully believe that Allah (سبحانه وتعالى), who is the Most Merciful and the Most Just, would give such unequal tests.

But Alhamdulillah, I still asked Allah for guidance.

What brought me back was something unexpected. I came across verses in Surah Fussilat and Surah Al-A‘raf describing the creation of the universe in “days.” At first, this didn’t make sense to me. Why describe creation in days? It felt too simplistic.

The Qur’an mentions that the universe was created in six days, and the earth in two. I initially thought this might just be a way to make the concept easier for people across different times to understand.

But then something struck me deeply. When I looked at modern scientific estimates, the universe is about 13.80 billion years old, while the earth is about 4.54 billion years old. When you compare them, it’s close to a 1:3 ratio, which reflects the same proportion as 2 days out of 6 mentioned in the Qur’an. It wasn’t an exact match, but the consistency in proportion really made me reflect and pushed me to take the Qur’an more seriously again.

From there, I started rethinking the idea of fairness.

I came to realize that as humans, we are biased;we tend to see our own situation as the hardest. But in reality, tests are different, not necessarily unequal.A privileged person may have a very difficult test in ways we don’t see. Wealth, beauty, and status can make it harder to stay humble, to see others as equals, and to remain sincere. Their ease in dunya might come with a heavier accountability in the akhirah. On the other hand, someone going through hardship may find it easier to turn to Allah, because pain often brings sincerity and dependence on Him. Their struggle in dunya may actually make their path in the akhirah easier.

Always say Alhamdulillah and stay humble

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The first 10 days of Dhul Hijjah are less than one month away. What did the Prophet ﷺ actually say about them?

Jumuah Mubarak.

We're one month from the first day of Dhul Hijjah. Most of us know the last ten nights of Ramadan inside out —Laylatul Qadr, tahajjud, I'tikaf. Most of us know almost nothing about the first ten days of Dhul Hijjah, even though the Prophet ﷺ said:

"No good deeds done on other days are superior to those done on these (first ten days of Dhul Hijjah)."

The companions asked, "Not even jihad in the cause of Allah?"

He ﷺ said: "Not even jihad — except for a man who went out with his life and his wealth and did not return with any of that."

— Sahih al-Bukhari

That hadith stopped me. I went looking for what else the tradition actually says about these days, and found a few things:

  1. Allah swears an oath by these ten days in the Quran. Surah Al-Fajr: "By the dawn, and by the ten nights" (89:2). Classical scholars from Ibn Abbas on consistently identified those ten nights as these.
  2. Each night equals Laylatul Qadr in reward. Tirmidhi: "Fasting every day of these ten is like fasting a year, and standing every night is like standing on Laylatul Qadr."
  3. The Day of Arafah (the 9th) is a category of its own. The ayah declaring Islam complete — "This day I have perfected for you your religion" (5:3) — was revealed on Arafah, during the Farewell Sermon. Allah frees more people from the Fire on this day than any other. Fasting it expiates two years of sins — the year before AND the year after. The best dua of the year is the dua of Arafah.
  4. The Farewell Sermon itself was delivered on Arafah. When the Prophet ﷺ asked the companions three times "Have I conveyed?" and they said yes, and he raised his finger to the sky and said "O Allah, bear witness" — that was Arafah.

One month out. Dhul Qa'dah (the month we're in) is what Sha'ban is to Ramadan — the approach. If we use it, we arrive at Dhul Hijjah ready. If we don't, the ten days pass and we don't even notice them.

I wrote up the full thing as part of a project I've been working on called Living Noor: https://livingnoor.com/essays/first-ten-days-of-dhul-hijjah — the Quranic oaths, every hadith on Arafah I could find, and a 30-day prep checklist for the month ahead.

A question for you all: what do you personally do in these ten days that has stuck with you? Any tradition from your family or local community that you'd recommend?

https://preview.redd.it/n4b6iktrv5xg1.png?width=1384&format=png&auto=webp&s=2ff7501f679c7a297d06a0f5905840b4e15c2e1d

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Surah Ar-Ra'd ( verse twenty three to twenty four ) Mustafa Ismail (Rahimahullah)

https://quran.com/ar-rad/23-24 (for those who want to reflect)

verse 23=the Gardens of Eternity, which they will enter along with the righteous among their parents, spouses, and descendants. (And the angels will enter upon them from every gate, ˹saying,

verse 24=“Peace be upon you for your perseverance. How excellent is the ultimate abode!”)

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Have you ever felt like your worship is small? Like a single "SubhanAllah" is just a few seconds of your day? Open your eyes to the secret: Your deeds are not small. They are connected to a chain that spans the entire Creation.

  1. The Uncountable Army

When you obey Allah, you aren't acting alone. You are joining the perpetual worship of the Angels and all Creation.

"Indeed I see what you do not see, and I hear what you do not hear. The heaven moans, and it has every right to moan. There is no space the width of four fingers except that there is an angel there, placing his forehead in prostration to Allah. By Allah, if you knew what I know, you would laugh little and weep much..."

Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Book 36 (Zuhd), Hadith 2312 (Hasan Gharib). Also in Sunan Ibn Majah 4190.

  1. The Universal Act: You Are Participating

The Quran establishes something staggering:

"The seven heavens and the earth and whatever is in them exalt Him... there is not a thing except that it exalts Allah by His praise, but you do not understand their glorification."

Surah Al-Isra, 17:44.

Every single creation from the stars to the ant to the atom is performing one universal act: glorifying Allah. This is not metaphor. The Quran states it as fact.

Now consider: when you obey Allah, you are performing that same act.

In Islamic law the principle is established participation in a sin carries the sin. You don't have to be the one who commits the act directly. Presence, facilitation, joining these transfer moral weight. The same principle applies symmetrically to good. If participation in evil carries its weight, participation in good carries its weight. The Quran does not establish a moral universe where only negative participation transfers.

This means your obedience is not just alongside the glorification of all creation. It is a participation in it. You are joining the one universal act that everything in existence is already performing. The deed you are participating in is not a small deed it is something whose magnitude the Quran explicitly says you cannot comprehend.

And this is where the multiplier becomes significant:

"If someone intends to do a good deed and does it, Allah writes it down with Him as ten to seven hundred times its reward, or even many times more than that."

Sahih al-Bukhari, Book 81 (Riqaq), Hadith 6491; Sahih Muslim, Book 1 (Iman), Hadith 131.

Classical scholars said sincerity, awareness, and the depth of your intention are what push a deed beyond 700x toward the limitless. If you perform your worship knowing you are joining the glorification of all creation that awareness itself is the kind of intention that expands the deed beyond what can be counted.

  1. The Chain: Every Deed Flows Upward

When you act on the guidance that reached you, your reward doesn't stay with you alone. It flows back up every link of the chain that brought the truth to you.

"Whoever introduces a good practice in Islam will have its reward and the reward of all who act upon it after him, without their rewards being diminished in the slightest."

Sahih Muslim, Book 33 (Al-Imara), Hadith 1017.

Every good deed you do adds to the scale of the Sahabah who transmitted the deen. And to their teachers. All the way back to the Prophet ﷺ who sits at the top of every single chain, receiving a share of every good deed of every Muslim until the Day of Judgment.

The guidance flows down to you. The reward flows back up through everyone who passed it along. You are not just a recipient you are the reason the chain is still alive.

  1. The Limitless Multiplier

Our Lord doesn't count like a merchant.

The Baseline (10x): "Whoever comes on the Day of Judgement with a good deed will have ten times the like thereof to his credit..."

Surah Al-An'am, 6:160.

The Sincerity Jump (700x+): "If someone intends to do a good deed and does it, Allah writes it down with Him as ten to seven hundred times its reward, or even many times more than that."

Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 6491; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 131.

The Infinite Ceiling: "Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account."

Surah Az-Zumar, 39:10.

  1. The Ultimate Truth: It's All Mercy

Even with all of this the participation, the chains, the multipliers no one enters Paradise by their deeds alone. We do these deeds to show sincerity. But we rely on the Mercy, because it is the only thing heavy enough to carry us home.

"Do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately, and receive good news because none of you will enter Paradise by his deeds." They asked, "Not even you, O Messenger of Allah?" He said, "Not even me, unless Allah wraps me in His Grace and Mercy."

Sahih al-Bukhari, Book 75 (Marda), Hadith 5673; Sahih Muslim, Book 52, Hadith 2818.

The Takeaway

You don't fully understand how your salah glorifies Allah. None of us do. We know that it does because He told us. The how is beyond us, just as the glorification of the rock and the tree is beyond us. That is not a weakness. That is the design.

You are participating in something whose scale you cannot see from inside it. Do the deed. Mean it. And trust the Mercy.

"And when the believers in Our revelations come to you, say, 'Peace be upon you! Your Lord has taken upon Himself to be Merciful. Whoever among you commits evil ignorantly then repents afterwards and mends their ways, then Allah is truly All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.'"

Surah Al-An'am, 6:54.

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