السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
I don’t know where to start. From the perspective of those around me, I am a very religious girl; I pray on time, memorize the Quran, pray Tahajjud, and wear modest clothes.
But currently, my internal reality feels completely different. On the outside, I appear religious, but on the inside, I feel disconnected from it all. I used to watch religious lectures and feel so deeply touched that I would cry. I used to make Dua from the depth of my heart, completely faithful that they would be answered, believing that even if they weren't, I was still earning good deeds.
I repented for many things I used to do. I adopted modest clothing, stopped wearing makeup, quit listening to music, and recently, I made the hardest decision of all: I stopped drawing animate beings. This was my major; I used to study it, teach it, and was preparing to make it my main career. However, my conscience would guilt me every time I drew a human. After deep research, I realized it was Haram, so I decided in my heart to quit, keeping it to myself because I lack the courage to tell my family. They have supported me financially for years, paying for my college, courses, and the equipment I needed for my work.
After abandoning almost everything I used to enjoy for the sake of Allah, I began to feel hollow—though I know this emptiness is a whisper from Shaytan. I know Allah will compensate me with something better, but sometimes I feel utterly exhausted. I literally have nothing to occupy my life: no job, no friends, and no relationships.
Every day is a silent war between me and my desires. Thoughts constantly whisper: "Why am I restricting my life this way?" when everyone around me is having fun while I am struggling.
To make matters worse, during normal arguments with my parents, they accuse me of being a hypocrite. They tell me that praying on time and attending Quran classes are useless since I'm not a "good daughter." This makes me doubt myself even more. I ask myself: "Should I just give up? Since I don't feel a strong spiritual connection anyway, what is the point of all this?"
Not long ago, I was a few steps away from wearing the Niqab; now, the thought of taking off my Hijab altogether constantly hovers over me.
I wanted to write down all my feelings. I sincerely need advice, and please please mention me in your dua
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