Hello everyone.
I’ll try to keep this as brief and concise as possible.
I’m a F(apparently we’re not allowed to mention our age๐ ) from France. I was born into a Muslim family, but from the age of 18, my faith in Allah completely fell apart. However, that’s not what I’m here to talk about today.
I’m posting here because you are my last hope.
From the age of 11 until I was 21, I was under the influence of someone with strong narcissistic and manipulative traits. She was my best friend.
During my school years—the years when I was supposed to grow and develop as a person—I was bullied by her. She also manipulated other girls into bullying me alongside her.
I was an extremely intelligent and hardworking student. My father had very high hopes for me, especially because most members of my family have been professionally successful.
I was also fairly pretty, although I didn’t really put much effort into my appearance.
The girl—let’s call her Alicia—grew up without a father. I believe she was either the result of an affair or of rape; I’m not entirely sure.
She was widely considered physically unattractive and only got good grades because her grandfather, who was a teacher, gave her private lessons.
I should also mention that I came from a rather poor family and was very introverted, whereas she came from a wealthy background and was extremely outgoing.
I’m not sure how to explain this in English, but we met in secondary school. The thing is, it wasn’t actually the secondary school she was supposed to attend. She didn’t get along with the people in her village, so her mother obtained special permission from the local education authority to enroll her in my school instead.
As soon as I met her, I noticed that she constantly had conflicts with other students.
She was incredibly deceitful, hypocritical, and manipulative for someone her age.
But, wanting to “save” her, I took her under my wing.
I quickly realized that I never should have.
As the weeks and months went by, she began bullying and humiliating me. She would throw tantrums whenever I got good grades, forbid me from dressing nicely or developing my own personality, and constantly emotionally blackmail me.
I don’t personally hate her anymore because, looking back, I realize she was deeply mentally unwell. Even though she eventually pursued the very career I had dreamed of—after frequently asking me questions about it—I now realize I wouldn’t want her life at all. I genuinely think she must be suffering internally.
However, the girls who followed her are the ones I deeply resent. Alicia never bullied me alone.
I still remember the mockery, the humiliation, coming home in tears every day while hiding everything from my parents.
Unlike Alicia, those girls weren’t particularly bright. They had mediocre grades and weren’t interested in school. Today, they have jobs, money, nice cars, and stable lives.
Meanwhile, I have none of that.
A year ago, I experienced the worst waswas I’ve ever had. I completely lost control and insulted one of my former bullies on social media.
She replied by calling me a “homeless loser,” saying I had ruined my life, that my father must be ashamed of me, and claiming she didn’t even remember what had happened back then. She even showed me her payslip to prove how much money she earns, told me she was rich while I wasn’t, and bragged about constantly traveling around the world. Then she publicly mocked me on her story.
After that, several girls who had gone to school with us contacted me to ask what had happened. Some told me they clearly remembered how much control Alicia had over me and that what I had gone through had been completely unfair.
However, another girl told me she was shocked by what I had become. She said that back when we were in school, she genuinely believed I was going to become “very wealthy” because I was such a hardworking student.
She also told me that if Allah had blessed my former bullies more than He had blessed me, then perhaps it was because they deserved it more, and that maybe I should question myself.
Those words completely shattered me.
I still see them in my head:
“You’re a pathetic loser.”
“Your father must be so proud of you.”
“If Allah has given them more than He’s given you, maybe it’s because they’re more deserving.”
Today, I have no job, no degree, and I suffer from depression.
There isn’t a single day that goes by without me thinking about what they did to me.
These thoughts are so overwhelming that they stop me from moving forward. Every time I start a new job or training program, I genuinely convince myself that it’s already too late, that I’ve already ruined my life, and that I’m doomed to live in poverty until the day I die.
So I quit.
I feel like I’ve been the victim of a terrible injustice.
Despite everything I endured at school, I believed I could still succeed. I believed Allah would eventually grant me justice through my education and career. I imagined making my parents proud, buying a house, owning a nice car, and one day having those girls see everything I had achieved while remembering exactly how they had treated me.
But instead, it’s as if Allah proved them right.
It’s as if He said, “You bullied her, and now here’s your reward.”
It feels deeply unfair.
I was kind and gentle, and I still am.
They were cruel to everyone around them.
Yet they seem to be the ones Allah has chosen to reward.
I have gained absolutely nothing from what happened to me.
So my question is this:
How can I finally move on? How can I let go of everything they did to me so that I can finally live my life?
I can’t take it anymore, and I struggle with thoughts of revenge.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and thank you in advance for any advice.
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