Asa everyone.
The more seriously I try to practice Islam, the more I start to feel like my entire life was/is haram.
And honestly, I don’t know how people cope with this mentally without becoming either completely numb or incredibly anxious.
I was raised Muslim by a revert mother and a father who either reverted very young or was born Muslim (long story). But most of my extended family is Christian... pastors, deacons, heavily involved in the church.
But since I was a kid, tawheed always made sense to me in a way Christianity never did. My faith in Allah swt was never really shaken.
The problem is… I grew up around Islam more than I was actually taught Islam.
We would go to Eid sometimes, jummah occasionally, and I’d see my father read Qur’an. But I didn’t grow up in a deeply practicing household where the rules, boundaries, and framework of Islam were really explained to me.
On top of that, I grew up as an African American Muslim in a very white area. I was the only one in my school kind of white area.
The only Muslims around me were mostly Arab families who kept to themselves. Not maliciously, but there was definitely distance there. I never fully felt like I belonged.
And honestly, a lot of what I saw from the Muslim kids around me confused me too. Dating, partying, taking hijab off at school, etc. So even though I wanted a Muslim community badly, I also felt disconnected from it.
So most of my real sense of belonging came from sports, playing instruments, taking care of my dogs (my parents worked a lot, so they were for protection), and the people around me at school.
Most of my friends were guys.
Not in a dating sense, they were honestly protective of me more than anything. I was bullied a lot growing up, and those friendships made me feel safe.
Then, as a teenager, I entered a heavily male-dominated sport my father introduced me to, and those men became like brothers to me.
Part of that was because my relationship with my father was difficult for a long time.
There was abuse in my household growing up. Alhamdulillah, I’ve forgiven him and our relationship is much better now, but at the time I leaned heavily on coaches, teammates, and mentors for positive masculine influence and emotional safety.
Sports, music, and even my dogs became my safe places.
Then in my late teens and early adulthood, I started taking Islam much more seriously.
I "re-took" my shahada, started praying 5 times a day, wearing hijab, stopped listening to/playing music, distanced myself from men...
And eventually stopped my sport because of the amount of physical contact involved.
This is where I started struggling mentally.
Because every time I fixed one thing… another thing became haram.
I was excited about hijab → then got told earrings were tabarruj.
So I covered more → then got told pants were haram.
I learned the way I interacted with male cousins I grew up with was haram.
The loans I used for college were haram.
Certain jobs became questionable so I quit.
Business funding = loans= haram.
Food ingredients became questionable.
Vanilla extract.
Nutmeg.
Alcohol-derived ingredients.
Delivery jobs because you may transport haram items.
And over time, it started feeling like almost every part of modern Western life had some spiritual danger attached to it.
I even started my own business partly so I could pray on time, avoid uncomfortable work environments, and structure my life more Islamicly.
But trying to survive financially while also avoiding every doubtful thing feels genuinely exhausting sometimes.
Especially because I rarely meet Muslims in real life who seem to think this deeply about these issues.
Most people seem either:
- completely unconcerned, or
- so strict that interacting with them makes me feel even more anxious and isolated.
And lately I’ve noticed myself withdrawing more and more.
Staying inside.
Avoiding people.
Overthinking everything.
Not because I want dunya more than deen.
But because I’m scared of constantly doing things wrong.
And that doesn’t feel healthy.
It also doesn’t feel like the kind of existence Ar-Rahman and Al-Wadud want for us.
I understand Islam has rules and boundaries for our benefit, and I’m not questioning Allah swt
I think I’m struggling with how to pursue sincerity without falling into constant fear, hypervigilance, and isolation.
Especially for those of us who didn’t grow up with strong Muslim community, practicing families, or structured Islamic education.
Has anyone else experienced this?
How do you balance sincerity with mental and emotional well-being while living in the West?
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