Salam everyone,
Please don't judge me and please don't comment anything that isn't helpful. And please excuse my misspelling and grammar.
My father has been abusive towards my mother, me, and my sisters since I can remember. I am now married with a child and I don't live there anymore however I have spoken up for my family whenever I was there or when I saw my father acting up. I am not going to lie. I am not a soft spoken person I can be very blunt and to the point. I can also be disrespectful if I am being disrespected.
For about a year now my father has been miserable and has been miserable towards my mom who is recovering from cancer. My sisters work really hard and over all I would say my father is blessed to have such a great wife and children. But he does nothing but speak ill and talk down on them. He takes his frustrations out on the family. He doesn't say anything to me because I am married but I cannot handle him treating my mother so ill.
He will pick fights over nothing. I have been staying over my mom's house for a few days to catch up. But his behavior has made everyone so miserable. Last night during sahoor he was giving my mom anger and my sisters. I asked what's wrong and he said the cat dropped the cup but the cup did not break and there was nothing in the cup so there was no mess. No problem. So I got mad and said well I hope the cat dies. And then my father starts to make Dua cursing our cat and then I added my the cat and my dad both die, out of anger. He got really mad and wouldnt shut up. So I told him to shut up and be quiet. My mom got in the middle of us because she saw that my dad was going to slap me. I did not back down as I was sick of the verbal abuse. He slapped me really hard. Out of anger and defense I slapped him back. And then he was in shock. After that he went crazy and charged at me grabbing my hair and slapping me more. My sisters came to protect me and stopped him. My husband was not home at the time. After he let go of me. I just couldn't shut up I was angry. I just started say everything to hurt him. I called my husband in the mean time to come pick me up. In that time my father was packing and we were worried he will take our important documents. So my sister took the documents from him. He was going to hit my sister so I went after her and started yelling and cursing again he slapped me about six times or more, I can't remember. He ended up injuring my ear. Since then my ears have been ringing and I feel really weak and I know I have an injury. I called the cops at this time. As soon as the cops arrived my father acted so calm and normal. Subhannallah which means he could've always controlled his anger. Because the cops came he was so calm and civil. My son was asleep so he did not witness this alhumduliah, he is also a baby otherwise if he was any older he would have awaken.
My husband told my dad he cannot come near me or my son ever again until he apologizes and changes. but I also think I need to apologize to my father. However I don't want to because that will excuse his behavior especially after he injured my ear. I have also forgiven way too many times the abuse and the extreme embarrassment all my life in many different occasions. To tell you the extent of how much I have forgiven him, I forgive him the next day after my wedding in my heart. He never apologized himself. He ruined my wedding day by cursing me and calling me the most disgusting names ever, all morning till afternoon he cursed at me on my wedding day. This was because I gave my husband a small mehr amount as my husband was poor at the time. And I love my husband so I wanted to make the mahr as less as possible.
To add, He also had no right to hit me since I am married.
I am an adult and since I can remember I have seen his abuse towards all of us. Yes he provided but he always let us know he is providing. And he provided the very minimum.
Since then I could not get this out of my head. I feel like my ramadan is not accepted at all. I sinned by hitting back my father and cursing at him. My ramadan is ruined. Since then I have been in a "give up" mindset. I've been praying my prayers late and it's taking a lot out of me to even get up for prayers. I feel like I ruined my month of worship.
My question is, how big is my sin and what should I do to ask God for forgiveness? I am scared of Allahs punishment and anger. I worry, God forbid, my child will hit me and curse me too even if I am the best parent. Idk
Please advise.
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from Islam https://ift.tt/RwtJuBg
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