I keep repeating the same sins again and again. It doesn't matter what kind of sin it is, no matter what size, big or small.
The problem is that while committing that sin,I don't realize it. It hits me only after i am finished of what I was doing or saying. And again, I would ask for forgiveness and read Quran and pray. However, the cycle seems to never end. And i am tired and disgusted by myself. Because of it, I developed habit of scratching myself and hurting every single night, remembering my sins, physically punishing myself. Thinking "Maybe those scars will be remind of my cries to Allah, and I will discipline my nafs". It actually started recently. Along with this self destructive habit, I stopped praying or reading Quran. Feeling too scared. There is always a thought in my mind, that I don't deserve anything from Allah because of sins.
For few days now, my work and studies were going surprisingly very well, and I was grateful, nevertheless I felt that deep pain settled in my heart.
"He is giving me so much, and I cannot spend even 5 minutes a day reading Quran or ask for forgiveness for my sins".
I became my own punishment. My scratches lefts scars, throughout my body. And I am afraid of falling asleep, cause I think I will not wake up tomorrow.
I dont know, what to ask for. If you have any advices or tips, please do share.
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