Someone please take out some time to read this.
I am walking on thin eggshells at home due to verbal abuse by my parents and occasional (mild) physical abuse by my mother. I feel so unexplainably lonely. I'm currently getting the silent treatment by my mom and it isn't helping anything. Every time they say or do something hurtful, they give me the silent treatment for a while and then laugh it off or make me feel guilty. Either way, it always ends up being my fault. I know suicide isn't the solution to everything but I just can't... I contemplate it every single day and it's been quite a while now. I feel like it's going to affect my studies very soon. I admit that I've been getting mad at my mom lately but it's only recently started because of all the things they're saying to/about me. Because of this, they say that they're "scared of me" and that's why they don't talk to me (again, making it seem like it's just my fault) I can hear them saying hurtful things about me in the other room while I'm studying. My relatives came over to stay a few weeks ago and my mom would even say bad things about me or reveal personal things about me to them that I clearly didn't want anyone other than her to know-- either to keep the conversation going or to get a good laugh from them. I cried a lot one day in front of my parents because of her talking about me with the relatives. Here she is doing it again with my dad and grandma...it just feels worse because I can hear her talking about it when I'm studying in my room and the way she says everything always makes her look like the only victim.
I wrote a suicide letter a week ago and it's still in my school bag. Not essentially suicide but I've also been thinking about just walking away one weekday when school gets over. The only thing that's kind of giving me hope is that I might move to another country for university next year (which they're also trying to convince me to stop trying for) (I'm in 11th grade now) and I'm trying my absolute best to get into a good university there that offers a full scholarship so my parents can never threaten to "stop my education" anymore. I barely sleep or get any free time because I'm studying/working on research papers and extracurriculars and I will most definitely continue doing so if it means I can go away from them.
I'm so very lonely right now and I really don't know what to do. And no, I can't "talk to them" because I clearly have and it's always meaningless and just ends up making me drained.
Please I hope someone takes their time to read this, please.
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