I really cannot see a life where it gets better. I want to make my parents happy but for what they will die eventually so what's the point. I believe in God, I believe there might be smth for me after this life if I keep praying and doing well by my religion. But it's impossible how much hardship and pain I'm going throught and I don't see it getting any better. I really don't know when was the last time I had peace of mind, people are nice to me people are kind to me but I still feel like shit everyday, I am always anxious and longing for the past, my head hurts 50 percent of the time. The only time I feel comfortable is asleep. I am not gonna end my life or anth but I feel like I'm one mishap away from just accepting that life is shit. People have adviced me. I feel hopeless and tired. I feel like I don't have the motivation to work hard and it's never going to come. I don't even want to work hard. I am lost . I am losing it. I feel like shit. every day. maybe I'll get distracted by something for a while but then as soon as my head works again it's over and my day returns to shit. I don't know anymore. As I said I am not going to do abth pain wise to myself just because I can't. I talk to people. I really want to send this to my mom but it will make her worry so much considering I'm so far away, I really don't know. I really don't. Anxiousness about the future is something I deal with every minute of every day. I cannot live in the present I am either reminiscing about the past or being piss scared about what's to come. Maybe I'm too anxious about a test result but at the same time, I feel like it's not going to get any better even if I pass it. I really don't know. Life is hard, the hardships don't make the good moments better it is never worth it. I am seriously done. I feel like it's not right that most of my life is spent in hardship, I feel like it's not right that I'm unhappy more times than I am happy. I feel like it's not right that people worse than me, and I mean objectively worse than me, can be so easy going. I really love my parents they're my everything and I don't know I feel like shit. Overcoming hardship is a relief. That's it. A short dopamine kick. Then it's back to shithouse.Even if I do work out with everything and manage to give my parents a good life, what happens after they die? I will have no purpose , I don't even have a purpose now. I am just a cry baby. I don't wanna cry and complain. I hate it. I want to be a man. I don't care if it's toxic. I just don't want to cry and bitch. My parents have loved me and gave me everything, is it because it looks like I'm about to fail at giving them back that I feel like shit, my siblings will do and have done so much for my sake, I shouldn't feel like this but I do. and by feeling like this im alr a burden to them. even if they want to deny it. it's a loop. that seems like I'm gonna be in forever. I don't get it . I really don't. I have friends but I still feel like shit. I shouldn't feel like this I pray 5 times , my belief in Allah is strong, I read quran and still I can't help it. I really just feel unlucky and I would really like it to end.
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