Hey guys,
First of all, thank you in advance if you're willing to take time to read my situation. Inshallah, I'll find helpful advice here thanks to you guys. If you quickly want to get to the core of the question, I suggest scrolling down to " summary".
Okay so, me F(21) and M(23) have actually met online. I know, a lot of people will already think it's a red flag when something is online through gaming, within his gaming environment (i met one of his friends and that's how I met him). I never actually expected to get something serious out of such an environment, nor expected a fellow practising Muslim since I had (kinda) never met one through gaming so far. But through gaming conversations, we actually started to speak more about religion and " Dunya" matters. Mind that this was just a few month developments, nothing serious, no feelings, just a regular non-serious gaming environment.
Till the religious matters became more personal, how to deal with specific things, what we've coped with as muslims that attended universities that are full of non-believers etc, started suggesting each other things regarding ya baki entel baki or istihara. I personally started to feel something, but I was just like, hey hormones, it happens to all of us. We can like someone but just not find it worth telling. Till it kind of became unbearable for me that I wasn't sure what to do, I really wanted to tell him but it just felt weird, but I was starting to get a sense of.. maybe this is that one person. Within a few days, he confessed to me and he wasnt so sure if he should have, but after 3 istiharas being positive according to him, he decided to confess. Mind that his confession was very respectful and that the way he mentioned it was "I have liked you for Allah's sake" (since we were having positive effects on each other regarding getting closer to Allah, and I cannot say how grateful I am to Allah for giving me this opportunity). And that he wanted to do this the right way from the get-go. He wanted us to meet in real life, with our families. To discuss whether this would be possible.
When I told my aunt and father after a few days of thinking. They investigated the guy, turned out his father and a few other family members of the guy were suspected for supporting the coup in Turkey, this has been an ongoing lawsuit for 4 years. Since the cases haven't been decided yet (as in result) I didn't see any problem nor think its a problem, since it isn't, in my opinion, a major thing that they've done (so even if they did support them worst case, the lawsuit is only on his father for investing his retirement in a specific bank). Also, from what I've heard is that a lot of innocent people have been dragged into cases for several years, and came off clean in the end.
But this idea was a NOGO for my family (aunt and father). They didn't even want to meet the guy, hear him out, or anything. They straight off started insulting the guy and assuming very bad things. This actually broke my heart, since I wanted to be honest with my father and do this in a respectful way. They told me to never talk to him again etc.
His family understood my families decision. He also did.
So I forced myself to not speak with him again, which really just broke me down even more. I don't want to give anyone a stamp on their face with "you're a terrorist" while I've never seen anything bad from this guy in a religious manner. I just couldn't stand the idea that Muslims were getting divided this way. He just took a step towards me and wanted to do it the halal way. I couldn't bear this idea. Even if it was just a friend of mine, I couldn't bear this idea. I would've never tolerated this, I am not going to judge someone based on what they're being suspected for, esp since these cases have been going on for a long time and being postponed due to the pandemic. So I've decided not to lie to myself and force myself to forget someone in such a manner.
I contacted him again and explained how I felt about it. I didn't feel right about talking to him without my family knowing, so I decided to tell my mom about this. I also decided to just continue as friends since this is also how I would've treated a friend. She was fine with it, as long as we talked just as friends. She was a bit worried about what his father etc are being suspected for. But I told her that I wouldn't even consider a guy that she didn't like/approve herself. And I am sure she will like this guy.
Since I and this guy wanted to do things the halal way, we accepted that we should distance ourselves from each other for Allah's sake and only talk about problems/religious matters etc. (which was perhaps very dumb, but .. I felt like I was being forced to this by my family being unreasonable, but still, it was my own decision, and I acknowledge that) We sooner or later realized that this wasn't possible since we obviously loved each other. We've learned so much from each other regarding religion and suggested nice habits (reading Quran before going to bed and making sure we still keep doing this even if we stop talking one day etc). Realizing that having order in Dunya is also important, and not only working for the other world -> so finding a balance in this etc. All this time, we prayed for each other and prayed that if he/she was the right one to eventually get to each other, but if he/she isn't the right one to be distanced.
During this time we just kept talking but constantly getting back to the subject with " are we doing the right thing" " are we distancing ourselves enough" etc. Which led to distancing each other each time for the sake of keeping this halal. (But realizing we never felt distanced from the inside, even if we took a physical step back)
Eventually, we got rid of some of our bad habits through supporting each other and I honestly feel like I've never been this close to Allah before. I am so grateful, even if nothing comes out of this, it has been such a blessing for me to taste that I've grown closer to my creator.
Yesterday/today we've decided to not talk anymore at all since that is the right thing to do. His parents were fine with me, but my family isn't. So I cannot have parental guidance, in this case, therefore there is sadly no way for me to start this in a halal way, and get to know each other. So talking to each other felt futile (since it would only mean that this guy was still trying to talk to me even though my parents aren't ok with it. Which is btw not the case since every time I was the one who tolerated it. He never pushed. In fact, he was the one suggesting that we shouldn't speak at all anymore). I feel like, I've just broken his heart by being this stupid.
I know we've made a mistake for talking to each other 1 on 1 through chat and sometimes voice even though we kept it to the point and nothing flirty. But we just made up stupid excuses I guess. May Allah forgives us, I've come to realize no matter how cold or strong you are you cannot stay friends or neutral towards someone you appreciate and know you can possibly work together with for the rest of your life. At least I am sure now that I want to give this person a chance, but this is something that I wanted to do in the beginning too.. so it was pointless.. but the situation just made it hard since we never had bad intentions. I hope we will be forgiven for our ignorance.
I've respected his decision on distancing permanently (by not speaking). But I just cannot leave it this way. We are both hurt because of what happened in the summer. The only thing we wanted to do is meet in a halal way. And even more, hurt that not talking is the right thing to do. but I am peaceful with it, and I hope he is too. May Allah give us both strength to endure this, because we have done this because it is the right thing to do. Short story: we decided to stop talking until a situation would arise where us talking would be appropriate (if ever my family approved, or the cases were closed)
This was also the moment when he said that my father was right all along to not even consider him. Because he isn't even an option. Which I found painful to read since I don't think this way. This guy is a practising Muslim, recently graduated currently searching for a job. I honestly believe someone like this can be considered for a halal introduction/meetings. It's not like we are going to marry instantly. I feel like he said this because he can't really provide for anyone yet, but that never mattered since we actually both had our studies/job search etc ongoing. Ah, to add on, I've recently graduated university and I'll be doing a masters degree. So I think our situations are appropriate when it comes to marriage.
I really would like to meet this guy in a halal way eventually. But I don't know what to do. I've watched numerous lectures on this case, and I feel like it is my right to choose. But I cannot go up against my parents.
"summary" A practising Muslim, guy similar to me, that I want to get serious with, in a halal way's father and few members of his family are being suspected for supporting a coup. Therefore my family doesn't allow me to have any contact with this guy anymore. I am sure that I want to give this guy a chance regarding seeing if things will work out for marriage. I honestly don't know what to do.
Thank you so much in advance.
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