I did not have a good childhood when I was younger and attempted suicide at the age of 11. Sometime later from (11-12) I became very religious and I started praying and crying in my prayers for God to help me. There were 2 main things I prayed for: 1) Get me away from my abuser, 2) Punish my abuser. One of those prayers were answered and I got away from my abuser but suffered from depression and C-PTSD and suicidal thoughts. My abuser was living happily with his family and it tore me up inside. He was happy while I was still suffering mentally.
This is when I started to question Gods existence and if God even exists. If he exists then why would he make a young child suffer so much? I never did anything wrong my entire life and I never intentionally hurt someone and if I did, I would apologize to them. My mom would tell me that if you’re a good person, then God will give you a good life in this world and in the afterlife and vice versa. But I didn’t believe her, my life was filled with pain and I turned away from a God that I didn’t believe existed. I stopped praying, didn’t even touch the Quran for years, I still fasted though because of my mom.
When I look back, I realize that God has actually done so much for me but I didn’t see it. I’m away from my abuser now. I have friends and family that love me and support me for me. I have a roof above my head. I have food to eat. I have a beautiful room with a canopy bed that I always wished for as a kid. I’m still suffering a bit but it is away better than some years ago when I started to contemplate suicide.
This Ramadan I want to become a better Muslim. But I missed so many years of prayers and didn’t read the Quran and had no faith in God. I considered myself agnostic? Not sure if that’s the right word for it but yeah. I wanted to start praying today but then I got my period (unfortunately) and cried for an hour. I was wondering if those missed prayers and abandoning God would be forgiven or do I deserve to go to hell?
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