As Salamu Alaikum, i have a big issue which i can not handle any more. I converted a year and a half ago, but i feel that i am still not sure of my faith, i doubt it a lot and ask myself many questions, i feel like a lot of commandments do not make sense, i read somewhere that it is not always supposed to make sense, you just follow it and believe that Allah SWT said you shouldn't do it for a good purpose. But i feel like a lot of things contradict.
I am over stressed and don't know what to do, i tried a lot of things, before converting and after, hoping something will help me cope in life, but nothing does, last year i really tried hard to become a better version of myself and a good muslim, i sacrificed a lot of things, for the sake of Allah, but i realized nothing changed, i felt only worse, so much worse, i went insane. I told myself that's what becoming a good muslim is, that i will get rewarded for all the pain, i will say that i am glad to be a muslim. But deep in my heart, i don't feel it, i pretend it did something good to me, but i stress every day over my sins, i cry because i am doing something haram, i am so self aware every time i do something wrong and my heart is filled up with guilt for it. This is a part of tawbah, because i can not sin without feeling bad about it, but my stress level is so high i can't function normally anymore, i am completely burnt out and nothing brings me joy, i just feel like i didn't do enough.
I just follow islam because i fear of the consequences of my actions, i fear going to hell, but i am not sure if it exists, i am not sure of religions at all and i question the concept of life a lot, i tried many things to stop my overthinking, including making dua, but it just doesn't, i watch videos about it, i ask for advices, but no one really understands my situation, they all just judge, i just can't blindly believe in something, yet i believe in destiny and that something has created us, i am lost.
Please do not judge or come for me, my situation is very rough, i feel terribly guilty just for questioning such things, but it is not really under my control.
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