Assalamu alaykum
Though I was born to a Muslim family, I left Islam for a little over a year. I came back about a month ago because I could never shake Islam out of me. I came back on a "condition," but that's between me and my Lord. Anyway, I don't think I have faith.
I don't fear Allah much. I fear Him enough to pray and fast, but not enough where I tremble if I commit a sin or even regret it that much tbh. I don't have a love for Him or His Messenger saws. I regard Allah positively but I don't think it's overwhelming love. I regard the Nabi saws neutrally. Yes, I read the Quran and seerah. I am aware that soon no one will intercede on my behalf except Muhammad saws. I know he brought the truth, which includes belief in jannah and nar. I still don't feel much. I also just don't like Islam. I don't want to live this life, I want to be free and to believe whatever I want. But I still think Islam is the truth. I read a hadith -- which I can't remember right now -- that went like: The Prophet saws told a man to submit to Islam, and the man said "I find that I don't like it," to which the Nabi saws said "Submit, even if you don't like it." I don't know if it's saheeh, but I relate to the contents so much.
When I praise and thank Allah, and when I send peace and blessings onto Muhammad saws, it feels like lip-service. I just say them, but I don't feel them. I don't feel grateful or in awe at creation. I have tried to imagine my life without some things (a house, eyesight, hearing, etc), but I don't feel grateful for having these things. I just feel like I'm wading through life.
Two days ago, I cut myself on accident and I woke up with a lot of pain and the cut felt warm. I thought I had a fever, which made start worrying that it was infected and I would die of sepsis. I started to think about death, and I realized my answers to "Who is your Lord/Book/Prophet?" would be "I think Allah/Quran/Muhammad, but I'm not sure." This didn't cause panic in me, just an acceptance that I lack faith.
I don't know what I'm asking for. I think Islam is the truth but I don't think I have faith.
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