Doubting the faith

Assalamualaikum everyone,

I honestly have no one to talk to about something like this so I've resorted to reddit as a sort of cry for help. Just some background: I'm 18, male, in university, American, and come from a (very) practicing Pakistani family.

Alhamdullilah I pray 5 times a day and do my best to stay within my boundaries (unless you're amongst those who believe drawing cartoons, watching tv, and listening to music is sinful... but I would appreciate it if we could not have an argument about that). But my heart is almost always very conflicted. I feel like Islam is the boundaries and practices I set for myself, but the way I think about other people and the world as a whole is very liberal, probably quite a bit more than many of you guys would deem appropriate. And I notice the language I use and the morals I draw upon differ greatly depending on if I'm in secular circles or Muslim ones. I feel like I lead a double life, and if I'm to be honest I don't participate of my own accord in Muslim communities beyond what my parents drag me along to.

I guess it's easy to say I shouldn't be ashamed of my faith, but it's not as simple as that. There are things in the Shari'a like penal/punitive law, women's rights, treatment of homosexuals, fate of people of other religions, etc. that I personally struggle to reconcile. That along with the issue of sectarianism and institutionalization (Sunni, Shi'a, maddhabs, scholarly disagreement, compilation of hadith, etc.) sometimes makes me question the divinity of Islam, or at least Islam as it is practiced in this modern era. There are more things that bother me and also get a lot more existential than that, but I'd prefer to privately discuss those kinds of things with a sympathetic scholar.

I know people get told that you should just make du'a, read more Quran, the evil influence of the west is getting to you, etc. Unfortunately none of that is particularly constructive in my case. If you can help it please do not list the immaturity of someone my age as a reason for why I just can't understand. I have no desire to party, have sex outside of marriage, do drugs, do whatever I want. I just can't blindly follow Islam as much as I would like to, and I need to understand the truth.

Does anyone know of any counseling resources, shuyukh I can reach out to, etc. that know how to deal with things like this? Someone who is willing to be empathetic, isn't dismissive of my concerns, wouldn't say things like stop being insolent, you shouldn't question these things, etc. I feel like most people who are knowledgeable enough to help me are too busy or would charge me money I don't have (but the latter is more manageable). I would love to sit down and talk to someone like Dr. Shabir Ally or other scholars who deal more with interfaith/debate things, but I understand that it's not fair for me to expect individual attention from them. I feel stuck, scared, and alone. It was terrifying enough articulating my thoughts aloud like this as I guess they can be read in a way that is blasphemous. That's not my intention I just have questions and need help.

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Jazakallah khair

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