This is in no way a suicidal thought. I'm at a point where I feel like I should die now. I was born and raised in Saudi Arabia, where naturally you are brought up in an Islamic environment where there are no mixed gatherings, and your values align with the country's lifestyle. I then moved to Pakistan 5 years ago because my dad was about to retire, and I had to pursue my higher education. But life in Pakistan wasn't easy because Islam here isn't the same as I grew up with. There is no accountability and no fear of God. 2 years ago, I had a nikkah with a man who was brought up in Pakistan. His moral and ethical values didn't align with mine it was mostly because of these dufferneces we broke it off.
My uncle, who lives in the US, had sponsored my mom. Their priority dates became current last month, so my family will probably move InShaAllah. The problem is I overaged and I won't be able to go along with them. honestlyI'm not sad about it. I've always been a very independent person who never asks for help, and it hasn't been difficult because I feel like Allah has made ways for me. I'm now planning to pursue a Masters in Germany because I don't want to be left alone in Pakistan. But living alone in Germany doesn't align with my values as I'll be living alone. But I also don't want to get married off just because of the fear of being alone. If I look at myself 5 years ago, and now I feel like I don't hold the same connection with Islam as I had, then. I do many things to fit in that are against Islamic values. I also feel that with the passage of time, I'm becoming heartless. I used to cry very easily, but it's very hard for me to cry now. I feel like it's not a good thing. I used to be a soft hearted person, but I'd never cry in front of ppl just someplace no one would know. Logically, it feels better if I die because I'm slowly drifting away from Islam, and I feel like there isn't any use for me in this world now and I'm living a very selfish life.
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