Salaam,
Please forgive the rambling nature of this post, I just needed to articulate my feelings and hopefully find ways to find a community.
I took my shahada last year and I have yet to find a mosque or community. I am an American woman who was raised and educated in orthodox Catholicism. I am religiously Muslim but I am ignorant of the many cultural practices vs. religious ones. I find myself nervous about whether or not I am saying the prayers right. Am I fulfilling my obligations to Allah? Basically, am I doing this right? I have always been welcomed and treated with respect at the masjid, but I also feel very separated from the community. I had hoped to find women’s study group, but I have not found a place I feel comfortable. This is more a reflection of my own anxiety rather than treatment by others.
I have also found myself distancing myself from my friends because mostly interactions involve drinking and I no longer drink. Furthermore, I am finding that when I tell people I am Muslim, they assume that I converted for a man. In actuality it was a result of years of study and prayers. I have been divorced for 10 years and have made peace with living the rest of my life alone. But the assumption is annoying and hurtful. So, I don’t tell people anymore. I just try to be the best Muslim I can be in the eyes of Allah and keep my religion private. Is this the wrong approach?
I find great peace and comfort in salat and in the Quran. However, my life is very solitary and lonely. Ramadan and holidays I spend alone. I always pray alone. I eat alone. This was true before I converted, but people have also faded away once I told them.
Alhamduallah. I trust in the wisdom of Allah, but I wonder are we supposed to be alone like this?
Anyways… thank you for listening.
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