Salam alaykum, Please don’t remove this because I really need answers. I can’t forgive myself, and I feel extremely lost.
Two years ago, my dad passed away. He was the world to me the only person who truly loved me for who I am. He was gentle, caring, and always made me feel safe and valued. When he died, it felt like I lost the only person who ever understood me.
After his death, things with my mom became extremely difficult. She’s always been a very controlling and aggressive person. Growing up, she rarely showed affection, kindness, or emotional support. She always believed that being harsh and never acknowledging my effort would make me stronger or push me to do more. Sometimes she could be nice, but that was very rare and only in special situations.
When my dad passed, her controlling behavior got worse. She tried to take control of everything in my life even my share of the inheritance and she constantly pressured me about my choices, my life, and my decisions. I tried to stay patient and respectful, but over time, the pressure, the emotional manipulation, and the feeling of being trapped just broke me down completely.
One day, after months of holding it all in, I lost control and hit her. It was just one moment of rage and weakness, but it’s something I deeply regret every single day. The memory of how she looked after that moment still haunts me. Since then, our relationship has been very tense. I try to stay neutral and distant just to keep my mental stability, but inside, I’m drowning in guilt. I keep remembering what I did, and it hurts so much. I feel broken and I don’t know how to forgive myself or move on.
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