Salaam, this is going to be wierd so i want to apologize in advance. I am a muslim man from India. I come from a fairly conservative muslim family and have been a practicing muslim all my life.But,I am addicted to masturbation. I was first exposed when I was 12 years old when two guys were talking about it and then they also told me. I used to live in a village when I was young and our culture was very much influenced by hindu culture and cinema.That led to creation of a hypersexualized society where I was exposed to a lot of sexual stuff even though I was not seeking it. I also became very lonely during my adolescence because both my parents were working so I had a lot of time alone at home and no friends because school friends used to envy me as I was really good at studies and children near my home used to make signs of fingering me when I was around cuz I had a bigger butt, so I cut ties with them. This lead to me having sort of a gender identity crisis at 13-14. But these things got resolved when I got a bit older. All of this and a lot more resulted in me developing a generalized anxiety disorder when I was around 18.I went to a psychiatrist for it and took medications but that did not help. Now I am at a point in life where nothing brings me joy, I don't want to do anything, and I have serious self esteem issues. I am an average looking guy with average height for an Indian but I think of myself as extremely unattractive.I have decided never to marry as I don't think any girl will ever like me and I won't be able to sexually satisfy her as I think I have a small penis. This thought runs in my head constantly and I just can't think of anything else. I have made lots of dua, prayed a lot, read quran with translation and tafseer, tried exercising and running but nothing helps. I grown very distant from Allah and I don't want my life to be like this. I am just not able to quit all this and focus on my life and my studies.I have a lot of suicidal thoughts daily and I just don't know who tell as no one seems to know the answer to my problems. please help.
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