As-salamu Alykum. I'm a muslim raised in a muslim family. Growing up my parents always wanted me to be a better muslim but I didn't care about islam. We were the the only muslim family in my town to I wanted nothing to to do with islam. Astugfurallah I even hated that I was muslim. Islam felt like a prison to me. I felt like I was never good enough, and thought iwas just going to hell so there wasn't a Point in trying. So I gave up.
Then 2.5 years ago I had a tramatic experience and afterwards became deeply religious, like I never had before.
The problem was, because I didn't care about Islam my entire life I didn't learn about Islam, I knew nothing. So in a matter of a few months I tried being the perfect muslim and naturally it was exteamly overwhelming. Everything has rules and regulations and it was so much to learn.
I also have OCD, and as many of you know, ocd and weak islamic knowledge aren't a good mix. Long story short it was horrible, I had a fear of najas (ritual impurities.)
And practicing islam was a nightmare for me, I was terrified constantly that I may have touched something That May have touched something that may have touched something that may have had najas on it so my Salah was invalid. It's may sound funny or illogical but rest assured, it's a nightmare. Ocd is a nightmare, and me trying to learn islam to quicky by myself was just fuel to the fire.
At the worst point My anxiety got so bad that I was getting a few hours sleep and crying constantly. I was scared. I thought Allah was out to get me and put me in hell.
Anyways after about a year of practicing islam strongly. I slowly fell off my Deen over that last year. And have just completely fallen off and given up. And the worst part is- my life is more peaceful now. I'm not scared all the time. Recently I have had this feeling like a calling back to islam but the thing is I'm scared because I don't want It to be like the last time I practiced islam which was stressful. I feel like im actively trying to not fall back towards islam.
I want to fall back in love with Islam It's a great religion and I love Allah. I really do. But im scared it will be a stressful nightmare again.
Advise me. Help me out brothers and sisters.
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