(I've posted this in the Hijabis subreddit as well. I just thought that having a wider audience including brothers would give me a wider insight of my thoughts)
What I'm going to say may just be me. I don't know. Maybe somebody else will get what I'm trying to say but whatever.
I just feel disjointed and an empty shell as the days go by. Today has especially been a trigger of such thoughts. From the age of 14, I became l more mindful of death. Essentially, the meaningless of the dunya and it really breaks me to pieces everyday.
I still have dreams that I wish to fulfil but knowing that one day I'll have to get married, I don't know, I just subconsciously think that once that day comes, I'll practically have lost myself mentally.
I always thought like this since I was 4. My memories are quite vivid so maybe, such mindset might have been an outcome of how my parents portrayed themselves to me.
It has nearly been three years since then. I pray all my five daily prayers, I'm able to dress modestly and show those around me that I am a muslim woman well-versed in education as I am role model for my school. I don't touch non-mahrams and made every male teacher around understand that and yeah.
What I'm basically trying to say is that, I try to always better my Imaan day by day and somehow, I just feel more and more detached from everybody around me. Even my family and friends.
Whenever I talk to them, I just see a burning corpse, knowing that most of my friends will die as non-muslims and it pains me. And those are also my childhood friends who I cherished so much out of innocence, ignorance and naivety in the past 6 years without them.
I pretty much accepted that I will die and I kind of want it to be early. I don't want to but at the same time I do. Inner turmoil in that sense. I want it to happen before I fully lose myself.
I'm just tired. The more I follow Islam, the more isolated I become. I talk to myself and pray to Allah to make things easy for me but in the end, I just want to forget and be forgotten.
There's obviously many other events in my life which I will not dive in to which do play a role in what I'm currently feeling. One of them being transferring to another country at 10 yrs old and today, after 6 years, having come back.
The want to meet those who I lived with when I was younger weakened as I got older and became more practising.
So yeah, if anybody has something they could which could make feel better, I'd really appreciate it.
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