I, have been abused verbally, emotionally and physically my whole life by my mother. To the point where I'm afraid to move forward in life and start my own family because I fear I may become like her. For context, I am usually avoidant and compliant, I believe from years of gaslighting and manipulation. I have social anxiety which was pretty controlled when I was living away for uni but I sense it flaring back again now that I'm home. Even tonight, my mother screamed at me and called me filthy names just because I wanted to dress comfortably for my state board exams. ( I'm sitting for my dental boards in my country and I wanted to wear something loose to the exam so i can freely move my hands to work. She said she will not allow me to go for the exams that way, I calmly told her I was sitting for the exam and not her and that was the trigger) Yes, I yelled, I have my faults too but it was due to her provocation. I should have known better to hold back.
Thinking of my future I just think it's better for me to cut her off so I can finally prioritise myself and heal.I know in Islam paradise lies under your mother's feet. So am I allowed to do this? Or would that be a sin?
Just before writing this post I was thinking to myself that there's no point in living this way, without standing up for myself. I was feeling quite s--ci--l too, but I don't want to throw my life away and go to hell because of her. But if I continue living with her in my life that would be living hell for me. I don't know what to do. Pray for me and pray that I pass my boards.
Despite all, I love my mother, I can't hate her and it breaks my heart that we have to be this way. Whenever I see happy families I get super emotional on the inside, it's something I can never have in this life and that hurts. I would trade anything in the world to have a happy family.
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