Before I delve into the negative side of things, I just want to say Alhamdulillah--even though I don't keep track of how many I've done--about 9/10 of my Tahajjud prayers in the past year have been accepted. Some of them I asked for and in the same day I performed it, I got exactly what I wished for. It's a really scary but gratifying experience.
Just from the above, I personally believe it's true what is said about Tahajjud: that it's "like an arrow that doesn't miss its target." However, just like with everything else, if things don't go your way/you don't get what you hoped for, there's always a reason for it. And really, I acknowledge that Allah is testing me. That one rejected Tahajjud prayer is actually the root cause of all my current problems.
I don't want to get into the specifics because it would be lengthy. Within these 3 months, I already have an elaborate timeline of intertwined events. When you pray for something via Tahajjud and get it, you ought to have a hint of what was meant to be in your life and what was not. And my issue goes like this:
I truly think my friends in school today are a result of my Tahajjud. Prior to making one indirectly asking for them, I had no one. Their appearance in my life is very timely. I knew, however, that our time together was going to be limited since our school splits us all up into different classes the subsequent semesters. I made another Tahajjud after a long while asking for us to be in the same class, but it's expected that wasn't going to happen.
The chances were very low but not impossible, but I assumed our split was meant to be. Every one of my friends had at least one other with them while I was alone. Coincidence? And with us not interacting as often, I started realising things were unreciprocated between us. It's clearly a test for me.
I eventually hit my lowest point and felt depressed for weeks. I won't dwell much into whatever happened then, but at some point I prayed Dhuha (my first in years) and suddenly felt at peace with my problems after some time. However, fast forward to now, it's like I'm "relapsing".
Everything started getting better after I felt better. Friends put in more effort than before and I appreciate that. But there's the sudden realisation that most of the time that they went above and beyond, it's always I prayed Tahajjud for it. It's starting to make me wonder, "If I hadn't asked for all of these, just what then is my original fate supposed to be? Would I even have met them? Would they even do what I asked for, whether specifically or not?"
It just hurts that I'm only realising now I have to sacrifice all those nights doing Tahajjud for my friends' efforts just like I sacrifice my time and energy for them. Can't I have them naturally put in effort? Must I have to sacrifice something to receive that? Tahajjud with His Will is a turner of fate, but what does that mean about your initial direction?
I'm not sure what to make of things anymore.
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