17(M), I have no father figure and I fake my practice in Islam just to fit in with my society I'm currently in the middle east, I go to prayers in the masjid, go to Friday prayers, Ramadan etc but just so I won't be expelled by society I believe is the correct word, this has ruined my soul I feel no connection I understand what I am according to Islam
But no excuses, I normally don't post I posted once or twice on Reddit but they are deleted, my father is basically gone from my life, I am trying to find someone that can help me but no one, I live everyday stressed and don't know what to do so I can help my mother, I plan to become a dentist but then I realized how expensive it is (we don't have that money) I'm going to my last year of highschool and don't know what to do I haven't told my mother the fees of university because I don't want her to worry about it, but it breaks my heart knowing I can't go after something I have wanted to do for years only to recently face the reality of the world
I have no friends, nobody to talk to I'm the only man in the house so I have to stay strong but most nights I wait for my mother to sleep and then I go cry in the shower so nobody hears, I have tried to make friends in my old Qur'an class, I have started BJJ I just ask people how they are, and I do start conversations I'm not scared to talk to people but they show no interest just smile and say nothing, I also started playing chess and working out but nobody wants to really talk I see the depression in their eyes, I see how miserable they are but I see it in myself to, even other kids from school I see no souls in their eyes especially since Boys and girls split up you see the real side of them and how they feel
All I hear about is people unaliving themselves my own distant family members young men, 20's and they are found hanging in their rooms, and others threatening to do it because the stress of the world, No bank will loan me the money I don't even know how to do it especially in such a society, please don't ask me to go speak to an imam they are much stricter here, much more traditional and mean, not very approachable people
My next topic is about marriage how will I find a women to marry? How will I provide at a higher level for my mother? How will I be able to help the younger kids in the area? They need role models and all of them are unaliving themselves, who should they look up to
Even the stray dogs in the street are a stress for the people they are big Turkish kangals and will chase you and bark at you but they don't bite, I tried feeding them they ate and continued to bark at me, this is everyday and these are big dogs real power so it's not like you can attack them
All I ask for is people's advice here online, I only asked this server because my heart told me to and on other subreddits they are all athiests
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