Assalamuakaikum, I am just overwhelmed with so much anxiety and feel like a weird mistake, I don’t fit into the muslim community. I can’t talk to my parents about it and my friends don’t really understand how much this bothers me and I don’t want to burden them with this until they finally take it serious. I never acted on my same sex attractions. This whole thing started a bit over a year ago during a personal crisis of mine that I fell for a girl, a very close friend of mine, and I have had feelings for her ever since. I have tried to block them out and even made sure we lost contact but I still see her everyday in school. And sometimes I am just hit with these emotions and can’t block them out anymore. I also started to feel attracted to other girls. I have never been in love with a boy with such intense feelings. I do feel attracted to boys but at the same time I feel kind of disgusted with them and can’t imagine a genuine relationship with them. Muslims don’t really give helpful advice here. They just say don’t act on these urges and they mostly focus a lot about the sexual aspect of those relationships. But I am not interested in sex, no matter the gender. I desire a romantic relationship with lots of cuddles, kisses, hugs, sleeping together, etc. I know that I am expected to marry at some point, but I am scared of feeling either nothing for my husband or feeling guilty because I have to keep my attraction’s secret from him as he probably wouldn’t have married me otherwise. I am scared of having to live a sexual relationship. I would do sex, but only if it is for the sake of making children.
Most muslims come with the story of Lot, but that doesn’t help me at all as I am not experiencing that lust. I just feel so dirty and wrong simply for having those attractions and I also feel a bit doubtful as I can’t understand why Allah forbid this relationship. Like I understand it but I still want it to be allowed. I understand the reasons yet deep down I wish he allowed it. I tried to fall in love with a boy I liked, but I couldn’t force myself to. I tried to find someone to marry, even asked my parents to search for a husband but they didn’t take it seriously as I am still young. Yes, fasting, praying tahadjud (night prayer) and doing religious acts helps but only temporarily and they make me so tired I can’t function properly at school. Some muslims are not compassionate when it comes to this topic. I haven’t sinned or wronged anyone, I talk to them asking for guidance but some (who just happen to have boyfriends too and be flirty) tell me I shouldn’t talk about it as it is sinful and just spreads it. No one really cares about that form of sin and they even show compassion for a sin. Yet I haven’t sinned but I am treated like I have. I understand that I shouldn’t go around telling everyone, but I just want help from other muslims. I pray to Allah (swt) a lot asking him to make me right again and help me get rid of these desires and find a good husband and it does get better sometimes but then it gets worse again and it never completely goes away. Feel free to text me to talk better. Waalaikumussalam and thank you for reading all that 😊
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