Salaamu alaikum brothers and sisters
When I was 16 I had a friendship with an boy who was an atheist. We didn't consider our selves boyfriend and girlfriend, but it was clear we had feelings for each other. When I realised my feelings I invited him to Islam, but he was a strong atheist, he had books about it, his father encouraged him toward atheism, and I had little knowledge about islam I didn't stand a chance. I was defeated and hurt. I prayed to Allah to convert him, I prayed for guidance, I prayed isthikhara. The next few weeks I wrote to him inviting him to Islam one last time, sent him pdf versions of the English translation of the quran a few names of scholars that I knew at the time (sh. Yusuf Estes e.g.), and told him I won't be friends with him anymore because I want him to be more than friends and if he isn't Muslim it isn't going to work out. He felt the same for me but couldnt fathom accepting islam - he felt he could accept there was a higher power but he didnt know which religion was the truth. I always felt my lack of knowledge let me down at the time, because at my current age (27) i could explain to him why Allah is the true higher power but 17 year old me didnt have the resources to convince him.
That was the first time I ever fell in love, but i was so scared of doing zina, plus i wanted a very practicising husband and pious children. I figured if I do the right thing Allah will make it easy for me whatever happens. After praying isthikhara I felt the right thing to do was give him dawat and stop talking to him. So I did just that. For the records, I didn't commit zina, never kissed or so much as hold his hand (although I wanted to but I was very afraid of the sin).
The first few years was tough. he reached out again and I ignored him because I knew he wasn't Muslim. I really wanted to just talk to him, tell him how my day is going, talk about what's going in the world, politics, culture, talk about the shows we're watching, what books we're reading. But I knew it would be a slippery slope and I'd fall for him again so didn't reply.
Alhamdullilah Allah swt did make it easy for me in the end. eventually, i did forget him and he became a person of my past. When I got married I was madly in love with my husband and I was so happy that my life partner was just Muslim. Unfortunately, I found some terrible things about my husband. I really tried to make my marriage work I sought help from my parents and his parents but in the end it ended in divorce. The weird thing is, about 2 months prior to the separation from my husband, I had a dream about that friend. When I woke up from that dream all the memories came flooding back, and I just really missed my friend, I just wanted to be in his company and catch up. I thought this happened because my brain was trying to go to a happy place since I was under a lot of pressure at the time. Ever since that dream I haven't stopped thinking about that friend. During the many lows in my marriage I never once thought of that friend, it was only until that dream that I remembered him again.
It's been over a year since the separation from my husband, I've moved on with my life, and in a much better place especially with my mental health. My brain doesn't need to go to a "happy place" anymore. But the problem is I am utterly fixated on that one friend. I miss him so much, I feel as if I am reliving the break up from when I was 16! It is ridiculous, it is driving me insane. I haven't spoken to that friend for years! Those memories were from 10 years ago! Why did this happen to me? The only trigger for the memories was the dream. I feel Allah is trying to punish me for getting divorced by making me want someone I obviously cannot have. I have made so much dua to Allah to make me forget him again, I had prayed tahajjud begging Allah He makes me hate my past and just move forward. If I carry on like this I am scared I won't want to marry again because I cannot fathom being another man's wife when my mind has not moved on. Please give me advise, what can i do? I pray my salah daily, on time, I read quran. Why have I been cursed to fall in love again?
TLDR: trying to forget my first love from ten years ago.i did forget him, but since my divorce I can't stop thinking about him.
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