I am 19 years old. I have been muslim my whole life. I am not one of those hypocritical ex muslims or doubt inflicters. please ill send money, I have some. just please help me. I honestly do not know what to do. I was born in the United States. I have been victim to western culture. DEEN? I have deen. it is far from strong. I have none. please help me. I'm depressed, I am diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I will soon be diagnosed with adhd. I have a lot of self harm scars, I cut myself. this body was gifted to me, I ruined it. I have thoughts about doing more damage. but I won't dare. I won't ever make my mom cry like that again. I haven't read the Quran in a long time. I am 19. last time I read it was maybe 14. I have brain fog and memory issues caused by mdd. im sorry if I got the dates wrong I really can't remember that good.
let me go back to my life in the United States. I was shown support for lgbtq, gender roles that don't align with islam, my gaze has been normalized to porn and material of the like every single day. I literally killed trillions of kids by now (my sperm). what if one of them were going to be something special? I regret it a lot. when I was younger I watched gay stuff. I deserted it because it was so unnatural and disgusting. my dad said that's one of the biggest sins. am I fucked? will I go to hell? how can I beg for forgiveness. I beat up my dad. he was threatening my sisters. I yelled at my mom and called my mom horrible things. I hug them and play with them every day. I hope they aren't still mad. its been almost two years since I disobeyed them. except my haircut. anyway back to my troubles. I beat up my dad, I get in fights with my family, I have anger issues (not anymore). I haven't gotten over the abuse my dad gave me as a kid. I contemplated suicide even attempted many times and told my parents I hate them and its their fault. imagine your kid saying that to you? I was so disobedient.
I have so much guilt and regret. a lot is hidden in my heart. im barely keeping them in. I cannot afford to spiral out of control. I have too much responsibility. I will heal naturally without therapy and white people telling me to stay away from islam. I want to go back to Allah. if I have nothing else in this world this is my true desire. please help me. I forgot how to read Quran. I have to take little kid classes again probably "alif ba ta tha jeem ha ga". I want to finish the Quran. I want to stop being addicted to porn. I want to stop being depressed. I want to get rid of brain fog. I want to learn to focus better. I want to be smarter. I don't want to be a black sheep anymore.
most of all? I want to find my way back into the warmth of islam, please. all I can do is grovel. I am a piece of shit. please please please help me. tell me what to do. I am your video game character. choose my journey for me. I will do anything. I am sunni muslim. I REFUSE to give up. I WILL not give up.
this is my current situation:
-I can read the first juz mostly off memorization. I really did forget how to read arabic.
-My dean is weak. if someone asked me to convince them of joining islam, ill fail.
-I have not prayed in almost 3-4 years. I forgot how to Wudu. I remember how to pray.
-I masturbate a lot. I tried to stop. I cannot.
-I have no discipline.
-Im often depressed.
-I have doubts in my brain. I hate these thoughts. I believe in islam. but the thoughts won't go away.
-I am an incel (I respect women, but I'm too shy/timid to approach them. im afraid I won't find a wife).
I AM TRULY THE BLACK SHEEP OF MY FAMILY. WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING HILARIOUS? I CARRY MY FAMILY'S NAME! MY GRANDPA AND MY DAD'S NAME.
help
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