Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh, I do not know whether I will ever receive a sensible answer to this but I thought that maybe it's worth the shot. I am a 19 year old Muslim and have converted (you could say, reverted) to Islam a few years ago.
A big problem is my sexual orientation -which, I am pretty sure you have already seen posts about and I know that it is probably not an easy topic to approach as it is quite a sensitive one, but I ask you to please keep on reading-. Sometimes I struggle with it and sometimes I do not, while other times it even puts me in a miserable state of mind; the interesting thing, however, is that I don't predominantly struggle with it because of my biological desires but because of what some people, whether in our Ummah or not, have to say about my situation. I see a lot of people in our Ummah being extremely absolutist about such topics and making up their conclusions about this problem with no depth or profoundness, and sometimes, as the insecure individual that I am, I let that have a huge impact on me emotionally and I let such words invalidate how I feel to the point in which I start having existential grief.
I do not and have never felt any sort of physical infatuation towards women, and whether this is a nurture or nature issue I really do not care as what I am primarily attempting to achieve is Allah's contentment with me, and I am willing to give up my sexual life if that is what will take me there; however, it seems like even doing that is not something that makes me feel welcomed in my own community of Muslims -do not get me wrong, I am indeed welcomed in masjids or discoursive groups, but I am referring to a more intricate situation which I am going to elaborate on now-.
People expect me to get temporarily married with a consensual woman willing to try sexual interocurse with me "to see whether I like it or not". People tell me that if I choose a celibate lifestyle I will encounter huge fitnahs and my fitnahs will expand to the point in which I could be taking advantage of undefended children like priests in the Church have done and still do; some have insisted on this topic to the point in which it made me depressed, not realizing that what they were discussing was also directly applicable to me, and I could never think of such atrocities and neither do I believe in a direct correlation between celibacy and attraction to children since there is no evidence to support that. Some say that celibacy is an invented concept by those who believe it will bring them greater reward by Allah even when they are perfectly able to have healthy sexual intercourse, and they say this without understanding that this is not applicable to me as I am not able to have sexual intercourse with a woman, I am not willingly doing this with the hope of being of a higher status in the eyes of Allah, rather, because I have no other choice. But it feels like these people keep persisting on such topics as if, deep down, they think it was my active choice to "become" like this. To be like this. Sometimes I wonder if they are the ones who are able to feel attraction towards the same gender as well as the opposite one and then they project their abilities onto me.
I have to be fully honest: I am solely and exclusively attracted to men, male presence, male mentality, male energy and male appearance. Why do these people have to continuously make it about sex? Do they not understand, that a sexual orientation does not come with just a preference but also an intricate system of emotions that sometimes can only be attributed and redirected towards one gender? They advise me to "try a woman" without ever considering all the other feelings involved in being attracted to one gender, from which a huge variable is the ability to form that sort of love only for the same gender. Love. Where is love? Why are they always only talking about marriage to advise me towards a satisfied sex life? What about my abandoned desire for a loving companionship? My orientation is not only sexual, it is also romantic: I involuntarily have feminine approaches to people, in the sense that I do not feel comfortable having certain feelings towards women. I thought that whatever wasn’t in my control is forgiven by Allah. I only see them as friends, and I am not able to see them as sexual or romantic outlets. I am simply not, I have desperately attempted so many times to form some kind of reaction with the thought of a woman and it does not work and neither do I want to try it because, as far as I know, I am not requested to do so even by Allah and I know for a fact it will only be either another traumatic event in my life or a useless attempt of ambiguous reconciliation. Even if I was ever able to successfully do such a thing with a woman, what is left for my romantic needs? I could not form that relationship with a female even if I wanted to. The thought is revolting to me and I wish I did not have this inclination just so that I could be a part of a majority that is more prone to be understood than me... But maybe this is absolutist of me to say, I am sure everyone has their own issues.
The bottomline is, I am inevitably influenced by words and as someone with 19 years in this dunya there is only so much wisdom and emotional defense I can utilize against such subjective views which they want to push into an objective realm. These are invalidating to me, but I end up asking myself, are they wrong? I end up wondering if such words are starting to manipulate my conception of reality, if I am being gaslighted into a reality in which I did indeed choose this for myself, a reality in which I have to actively "convert" myself into a heterosexual to be normal and adherent to the fitrah of Allah. I have cried in my prayers, asking Allah to clear these doubts for me, because it truly makes me feel invalidated to be perceived as someone I am not, and be mindful as I do not say “someone I am not” in the sense that the word gay defines me more than the word Muslim does. But at the end of the day, it is a term which describes what constitutes my biological approach to some circumstances.
I have been raised in Western culture and societies, I have grown up to believe that it was okay for me to be gay and act upon it, I was indoctrinated with the worst feministic and LGBTQ+ ideologies, yet I still came to Islam subhanAllah, and this conversion came with huge difficulties such as the sole fact that I had to accept a life with no sexual satisfaction, I also had to leave my partner of 2 years, I gave up my dream of becoming a makeup artist as, apparently it only contributed to the worsening of my fitrah. I have had to emotionally sacrifice a lot and a key component to that conversion is the choice of celibacy as it is truly the only solution I can see for myself, but, if they now start to attribute issues and problems even to that only solution I found for myself to have some peace in my relationship with Allah, I can not do anything but feel miserable, not because what they say defines me, but because I wish I was perceived as the individual that I am instead of someone who is living "inconveniently" with the risk of becoming dysfunctional with behavioural issues due to sexual insatisfaction; for me social interaction and positive influences are important, as our Prophet PBUH has prescribed for us.
I thought Allah gave the most difficult struggles to the strongest of his soldiers, but now even my most difficult struggle has struggles. Not only did I make the choice of giving up sexual needs for a convenience rooted in my desire to please Allah, I now also have to be told that what I am doing is highly inconvenient and prone to make me a dysfunctional servant of Allah who could even take advantage of children, or that I necessarily have to face my incompatibility with women by "tryning them out". I am in grief and distress, and while the only feeling you can perceive from my email is frustration, I guarantee you that I am also overwhelmed with sadness. I keep wondering if it is their ignorance that makes them say such things, or if it is my ignorance that makes me believe I am right.
I deeply apologize to throw such a huge weight on you to deal with, but I am truly in despair for answers to my problem. I need my peace of mind again, which has been stripped away by people's assumptions and ignorance on the matter of homosexuality.
Can I have your honest opinions and answers?
Jazak’Allahu khair for reading and may Allah bless you.
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