I’ve posted this before… I’m still stuck :(
Assalamu alaykum
I don’t want hate. I left Islam for a few years and became very involved in paganism. I’m not proud of it, I’m not saying it was good (obviously I don’t even believe it’s the truth!) but what drew me to paganism and what I really enjoyed about it was the worship of nature and “aligning” myself with it, as well as ancient practices.
My personality was largely based around thee two things in some way or another. I was fascinated by ancient cultures because of the gods they worshiped and the rituals they did. I enjoyed nature because of the “energy” I felt while in a forest or on a beach or standing in the sun. I felt like I really belonged.
However, I’ve left that behind upon realizing that I was worshipping things that changed, that were finite, that were themselves in need of explaining. I enjoyed it but joy isn’t haqq. I became a staunch monotheist at first and turned away from all of it, and then came back to Islam. Alhamdulillah.
However, I’ve been feeling a little dead. Nature no longer brings me joy. I tried and try my hardest to use it as a way to reflect on Allah. He even uses nature in the Quran multiple times. I have tried praying outside. I make dhikr when admiring nature. But I find no joy in it, and sometimes I miss being a pagan so I close myself off to nature to avoid those thoughts. I don’t like nature itself, I liked the spiritual aspects.
Ancient ruins are just buildings now. I still like learning, but when I find myself getting too interested in ancient religions, I start having those thoughts again so I step back and affirm Islam. I’ve tried studying islamic history and architecture but it doesn’t bring me joy.
I’m not sure what to do. I hope I’m not sounding blasphemous.
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