I wanted to know if anyone had any input or experience with dealing with this kind of guilt. For starters, I grew up with 2 cover narcissists as parents. My mother and father both emotionally and physically abused me. The physical abuse started when I was 5 and continued on till I was 22. The emotional abuse never stopped. I’m 26 now and I’ve gone to therapy for the last 3 years to recover from an eating disorder, depression, and anxiety. I’ve fully recovered from my eating disorder but one thing I haven’t recovered from is the trauma that my parents put me through. Recently, I’ve been remembering specific moments of the abuse they put me through. And I’ve noticed there are some memories I didn’t forget but I think I just convinced myself that it didn’t happen. And other memories that are coming up for me I didn’t remember before or think about because usually after either one of them used to hit me they would convince me that I fell or that it was an accident. Or that they had to do it because I was “bad” and they only wanted the best for me. I was only a kid.
So the guilt I’ve been carrying around is because I do not love my parents. I’ve been carrying this guilt around ever since I was 17. Anytime I defended myself in an argument with either parent I would receive the, “YOU HAVE TO RESPECT US, ITS YOUR DUTY IN ISLAM. You’re going to hell if you don’t”. If I argued with my mother I got the, “paradise lies under MY feet, you’re not allowed to talk back to me”. To be frank, if paradise lies under her feet, I would much rather not go. My question is what does Islam recommend? I can’t force myself to love them no matter how hard I try. I can’t fix my relationship with them because they don’t think that anything the did and continue to do to me is wrong. I am very frustrated with God at the moment as well because we are told to love and respect our parents. But what is one to do when that same love and respect is earned and my parents certainly have not earned my love. My respect is fake and surface level. Internally, I have no respect for them and truly believe they did not deserve to be parents
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