Hi... I am a 13 year old girl. Entire family Atheist. I feel like my life has always had a void. I could expand and give more information, but I need to get to the point. I spend a big time of the day mindlessly scrolling or looking for validation on Reddit. I am often consumed by guilt whenever I remember my past extremely bad mistakes and just about a week ago considered suicide over it. My life feels meaningless, mundane, and it is terrifying to think that I will die and just disappear, I had one chance to live and it's like 1/5 gone. I have a lot of envy towards this classmate over her life. I just don't want time to pass.
I recently have gotten an interest in Arabic (I'm learning Darija) and Islam (about a few weeks ago?)
The day before yesterday, my brother woke up really sick. I have emetophobia so I had an anxiety attack before going to bed. I remembered I had kind of a sore throat earlier on, so I thought I must have gotten infected and started feeling nauseous. I got an idea in middle of it, I decided to pray to Allah (SWT) to make me healthy. I did not do it the proper way, but worst-case scenario would be to wake up sick. I thought if I was healthy then I might start to believe. The next morning I was fine, I had a bit of a sore throat yesterday and today too so I did it the same as before and felt fine after.
I 100% looked like I was going to become ill the next morning, and I feel like it would be ungrateful to not trust and believe in Allah (SWT) after He granted me my wish. Some good things happened to me after so maybe He really is just looking out for me. I really just want to be at peace and stop feeling this void. I have read stories of reverts saying Islam has brought them peace and perhaps it will help me too. I like the idea that Allah (SWT) has a plan for me and that He won't give me more than I can take (2:286). However I really feel like I can't give up certain things like pork and what would be considered immodest clothing, and music, etc. But most importantly I feel like I can't believe in Allah (SWT), Jannah and Jahannam. He has helped me, and faith would bring me peace, so how could I start? I wouldn't say the Shahada until I study Islam, Arabic and the Qu'ran very well, but how can I get started in my faith?
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