As-salamu alaikum,
I converted to Islam about a year ago. For the first few months, I prayed every salah on time, read Qu'ran, tried to learn more of the religion etc. I did my best and actually I was happy. I started to fall off a few weeks after, and I prayed less and stopped reading Qu'ran. It got to the point where I would go 1 or 2 months without praying and actually forget how to do it.
Since the start of this month, I've been trying my hardest to connect with my faith again. I prayed all 5 salah, working nights I would sometimes pray late but I did them all. I would try to read a little of the Qu'ran after prayer or at least do dhikr. I bought a few books to read, I've yet to really read them properly yet. But I feel like everything I'm doing is in vain. I don't feel a connection when I read the Qu'ran. I feel like I'm a robot when I pray salah, just doing something I am told to do. My brain is in a completely different place, I'm thinking of anything and everything other than prayer. I've been trying for about 3 weeks now but I just feel lost. I make dua, please guide me please help me get closer to you. But I feel nothing.
I don't have a support group. I have my husband, but he lives in a different country at the moment as he finishes university. I was due to see him in December, but I'm from the UK and the new variant meant my flight got cancelled. My family are not Muslim. They're not supportive or unsupportive. They were quite unsupportive at first, telling me to wear a hat and scarf rather then the hijab because they didn't want people to see me like that. But they've since got used to it, but they rather don't talk about it. The nearest mosque is about 30 minutes by bus, I don't drive. I am part of a WhatsApp group with a mosque, there's a few mosques I could go to all equal distance. Currently the mosque I chose is closed to women. They do an online group session on Fridays but I can't join due to either being asleep or getting ready for work. I've suffered depression in the past and sometimes now suffer anxiety, and talking to people is specifically a big issue for my anxiety. So at the moment, I only have my long distance husband and his family for support.
I'm a woman and practise hijab and right now I feel like the hijab is the only thing that is keeping me within the religion. It's the only thing where it makes me realise, okay maybe my imaan is low at the moment but I'm still a Muslim. But I'm trying so hard to be better and I just can't and it's making me feel so bad and like I'm doing something wrong and like Allah is punishing me for something. I don't know what I can do. I am exhausted. Physically I am very tired because of work. I struggle to sleep and stay asleep and trying to balance prayer sleep and work has been and still is very difficult. I don't want to give up. But I feel like what I'm doing just isn't enough. Does anyone has any advice?
Jazakallahu Khairan.
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