I’m kind of scared to type this considering someone I know is on here, they could recognise me however I just want advice.
Typing what I feel and think is such hardship on me for I forget all my worries and just think of it as nothing, though I will try my best to voice my worries for I need advice.
I’m 16, studying Islamic information after school. At first I found it very hard on myself for being in the position of studying Islamic information but as the years passed I’ve learnt to appreciate the position I’m in for I study Islamic rulings, Islamic hadiths which is one of my favourite topic so far, stories of the prophets ect.
A few years ago, Exams for these topics I had to had to pass because if I don’t I’m ‘wasting money’ so I revised for these topics earning majority of the time 95-100% compared to the time when I use to get 28% being the first- second lowest in the class. Getting a pass before felt really good for the first time but after however the joy of ‘passing’ really left so I feel really numb I mean yes I feel happy for passing but after the goodness left. (This is by far the recent)
However what’s been troubling me a lot, is my ED this case my Eating Disorder, it’s consuming so much of my life, that I only care about that only. When I pray I put a smart watch on to count the calories burnt. When I exercise and it’s namaz time I delay a little bit of the time to exercise. When my parents make me food, I throw it secretly. I’m so consumed in the thought of losing more weight then to care about my Islamic education, in which case I have an upcoming exam however my mind doesn’t care one bit I just want to look good when I return from the lockdown period to my peers as unfortunate as that is.
With saying that, yesterday I barely ate the bare minimum, I was hungry of course but ignored it, I slept and woke at 3am, the cries of my hunger pangs was very severe however I ignored it and just thought am I a sinner for starving myself? Am I a bad person since Allah gave me a healthy body but I ruined it. Allah gave me a healthy mindset but it’s my fault.
Then I have these thoughts that Ramadan is coming, I can starve myself more and I hate the fact that this is the thought I have.
With saying this, I’ve become extremely suicidal, like extremely. I thought last year December I think I was truly going to however I’m here. These thoughts are triggered whenever i overeat or just if it’s a moment when I’m with a sudden thought, starving myself. One time I had the thought maybe I should walk alone, to the road so I can get hit, and I devised a whole plan however I didn’t put it into action because someone came to pick me up, which was unfortunate. Other times are the thought of hanging myself or hurting my wrist or plain wishing to get cutlery and just end myself there and then.
Whenever I’m praying I make a stupid selfish dua that I pass away, that Allah makes me pass away in my sleep or kills me so I don’t have to wake up anymore, then again last year I was extremely happy and made dua thanking Allah for me being alive.
Now comes the bit of me self harming
So I’ve been self harming for 4 years, though I’ve stopped for quite a few years with a few relapses here and there, I just don’t feel anything whilst doing so, I hurt myself only when I eat too much am I a bad person for relapsing and hurting myself?
Am I a bad person for being selfish, for having an eating disorder actively starving myself or eating too much or thinking such thoughts or hurting a body Allah has given to me?
Whenever a friend has problems they come to me I remind them that when Allah loves a slave he tests them, however saying this to others is one thing, however i fail to remind myself.
I don’t know
I probably had more to say but unfortunately as stupid as I am I can never have the right words.
[link] [comments]
from Islam https://ift.tt/38qZ5TM
Post A Comment:
0 comments so far,add yours