Hate my mom

Is it wrong to wish for my mom to die? I'm a muslim man who is 20 years old, that would consider myself to be pretty strong in my faith, but sometimes falls short in praying and stuff like that. Since this pandemic, I've been doing a lot of haram in terms of watching porn and stuff, but I've been somewhat been trying to get better. I belive that I've always been a good son, and my mom defintiely thinks that I've been a great son too, I know she loves me, cuz I have always been respectful and always been there for her. On the other hand, our personalities are nothing a like. While she is very loud, outgoing, straightforward, and honest. I am quiet, withdrawn, and indirect. I know she doesn't mean it, but sometimes she gets mad at me when I say stuff, [nothing towards her] especially about my step father. It's funny, if I say something about him, she gets mad at me and tells me to shut the fuck up, and how I'm a pussy, and I'm lazy. But ever since they've been married for 10 years now, they've been the most dysfunctional couple, and as a result have made my life somewhat disyfunctional. This step father that I have is the same guy to commit Zina, physically be rough with my mom, and be a horrible person. But if I make a subtle remark about him [I dont ever curse] my mom gets pissed at me in such a way that's scary, where she talks about me saying, how I live in his house, and that this is not your home, its his. Mind you, at the same time she's talking to him on the phone, screaming how she hates him and wishes he dies. I honestly believe my mom has anxiety issues, but she's never been medicated, nor probs will she. I know my mom loves me, especially because she knows that my stepdad hates me, so she wants me to get to medical school as soon as possible, so I won't have to be dependent on him. It just pains me however, that I feel like I will let her down in the future. My grades have been shit, and every time I masturbate in my room, my soul and motivation leave me, and I haven't ever felt more unmotivated than I have in my life. I dont care about anything in school, and I dont even care if I miss a due date now for an assignment. Im scared for myself, because I feel deep down that I will turn out like a loser and let her down. Also, it makes me sad how she talks to me, and cusses me out, sometimes I just wish she dies of a panic attack or stress. I know she's under a lot of stress, especially since her own family and mother have basically disowned her for no reason, and she's having problems with my step dad, and my sister has a learning disability as well. But i dont know, sometimes I wish she would just die so I would be let go of that burden of having to not dissapoint her, and not having her stress.

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