Hi everyone. Some of you guys probably saw my posts before. I was very close to my dad and after he passed away, I was and still am struggling a lot. Dad died from stage 4 lung cancer in April. He was diagnosed in February. I was never religious before. I grew up in a very loving, kind, and supportive family who allowed both my brother and I to grow up and make our own decisions and beliefs without putting any kind of pressure on us. My dad and mom sacrificed everything for both my brother and I. Dad used to be a doctor with his own hospital in Bangladesh whereas my mom has almost all side of her family living there. Yet they moved to America to give my brother and I access to better education and opportunities.
When my father passed away, at first I was very angry at Allah. Even though I never prayed before or talked with Allah before, I was angry, confused, and upset. Why my Baba? Why Baba when he is such a generous, loving, and kind person? I may not have been a good Muslim but my father was not only a good Muslim but an amazing person. So why him? Then I realized it’s because Allah loves him so much that Allah didn’t let him suffer for years on. My Baba, whom I love and miss very much, passed away during Ramadan.
After my dad died, we are struggling a lot. My mom has severe shoulder pain and she is hard of hearing in both ears so she doesn’t work. My brother works at Dunkin Donut so the pay is very low. I’m still a student; I’m almost done with my bachelors in psychology and sociology. We only get about $800 in pension and it’s extremely hard for us to survive on the amount that we have right now. I’m trying to graduate quickly so I can support my mom and my brother. I applied for over 70 jobs but got rejected from every single one.
I struggle a lot with health anxiety, depression, and OCD. It was so bad the past couple of months. I guess I turned to religion for comfort. But somehow that comfort started to strengthen my beliefs more and more. Of course there are times I feel like my prayers are not being answered and I get frustrated but every time I realize my frustration was fruitless.
Every night I pray Allah to let me wake up the night day. So Allah does that. Every night I pray that Allah keeps my brother and mother safe and healthy and to allow me to live a long life with them. I’m only 26 now but so far all of us have been safe from serious illness. I always have been praying to Allah to help my brother with his depression and dreams and to help my mom with her shoulder pain and sadness as well.
Today I asked my mom about her pain. She had severe pain for such a long time. Not even medications helped her. But she told me that recently her pain got so much better. I am so thankful to Allah for helping my mother. And I’m so thankful to Allah because Allah let me be born to such kind hearted people. I also have a close relationship with my brother who always gives me guidance whenever I’m struggling.
The times that I was envious of the wealthy, the times I cried out of frustration for not having enough, the times I was angry at Allah for little things, I realize how immature I was. Allah gave me the greatest blessing of all: my lovely family. And nothing can replace that.
I’m not pretty. I’m not smart. I’m not talented nor rich. But I’m so happy. These superficial things cannot replace the love, the warmth that I received from my parents and my brother.
And I am so thankful that it’s because of Allah that my father can breathe freely without an oxygen tank. I know my father is happier. Of course I miss him so so much. I wish my father was there to see me graduate from university. I wish my father was there if I get married. I wish my father was there so he would be the first person I called when I get my first job. But Allah allowed me to have 26 precious years with him. And I strive to be both a daughter and Muslim that can be as gracious and kind-hearted as my father and mother. I wish to be as self-less and inspiring as my dear brother.
Often times, especially during hardships, I forget that I have so many things to be grateful for. Each time Allah reminds me of those things. I still have a lot more to learn about Islam but I will do my best :)
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