When you're in your early 20's like me, there are lots of things that keep you busy and occupy your mind.
When you're struggling with an addiction like me, it's difficult to keep away the bad ones from time to time.
When you're constantly failing like me, it is easy to just give in and watch your own actions set flame to all the good things you're trying to build in your life which then slowly burns down all your hard work and opportunities.
My addiction isn't like any of your conventional ones. Instead, I'm addicted to running. Not physically running, but psychologically. What does that look like? Running away from challenging and important tasks because I know they're hard and I might fail, running away from the truth that I've become a mere shadow of the person I've always wanted to be, and especially running away from consciously facing Allah because I'm afraid I will have to change; and change means loving myself enough to work harder to improve myself, which I also run from because I usually hate who I am. So yeah I'm addicted to running away and oh what a coward I have become.
This week I am trying something different, after finally becoming so exhausted of running. I have chosen to self-assess and mark my position in comparison to where I want to be as a person. It was barely an exciting discovery, but it was an important realisation nonetheless because by coming to terms with it, I realised what I had to do. I saw myself in the mirror, literally and figuratively. First thing I noticed were the love handles from neglecting my body for months on end now; then after a closer look I noticed that I was also neglecting the things that truly make me happy. These include certain activities and goals, like having a good diet, taking more interest in my job, reading good books, watching good movies, meditation, exercise, activism, writing journals, posting here and especially reaching out towards Allah. These are the things I have been running away from because they make me love myself more and become who I want to be. So I've really been running away from self-respect, because drowning in all this shame makes me want to kill any sort of love I could have for me.
When you're making such an important realisation like me, don't stay still. It's never too late for your redemption. Get busy living or get busy dying.
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