You are not a bad person. The first believer Abraham or Ibrahim was given his name which means one who wrestles with God. A shallow faith where one goes through the motions is not a strong faith. The only way to develop a strong faith is to challenge your assumptions. That is how you grow. Keep asking questions. Please also remember Abraham is the patriarch of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. We are all God's children. Those who claim to fight or persecute in the name of God are violating God's instructions.
Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord.
What does this mean? Only God gets to decide who lives or dies.
How we act this out in daily life is and should be a struggle for people of faith. People who value life so little that they can kill easily are not acting in the name of God. There is a long literature on whether such a thing as a just war exists. Different followers of God interpret this differently.
Radical pacifists like the Amish and Quakers argue that the only position is refusal to fight in wars. Many people like Desmond Doss argued felt bound to do his duty as a medic in World War 2, saving lives and risking his own, but refusing to take a life. My father lived in Taiwan during the Vietnam War. The US military had a large hospital in Taiwan for the wounded from Vietnam. He volunteered in the hospital as a teenager caring for injured soldiers not much older than him. He met a conscientious objector who like Desmond Doss felt compelled to save lives in Vietnam as a medic. He lost his foot in battle and walked with a limp for the rest of his life, but he never regretted his decision.
My father went to seminary and admired the Theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Dieterich Bonhoeffer was a German Lutheran pastor and seminary professor who took a fellowship in the United States. After the Nazis came to power, he was offered sanctuary by the US Government to stay in the United States to avoid religious persecution at the hands of the Nazis. Bonhoeffer refused. He believed it was his duty in a time of madness to offer aid and comfort to Christians willing to stand up to Hitler. While participating in acts of defiance and resistance to the Nazis, Dietrich became increasingly troubled by the Nazis' slaughter of innocent Jews, gay people, and Romani. He wrestled with God, like Abraham, on what he should do and if it was permissible to use violence against people to stop a genocide of innocent people. With reservations, Bonhoeffer decided that he couldn't in good conscience stand back while the Nazis massacred innocent people. His brother was a member of the German intelligence Agency and also and underground movement of German resisters to the Nazis, Germans of conscience who felt it was their duty as public servants to protect ALL Germans from Nazi crimes. In the resistance movement, Bonhoeffer and his brother, attempted to assassinate Adolf Hitler to stop the massacre of innocent Jews, Gay people, and Romani. Unfortunately, their plan was discovered by the Nazis, and Bonhoeffer along with his fellow resisters were thrown in prison. Bonboeffer died in a German concentration camp shortly before it was liberated. He is considered by many people a saint.
Please continue praying. Do not lose hope. These are big, profound, and necessary questions that you are wrestling with. Also please understand that evil people will use ANY excuse be it nationality, racism, or religion to do evil. They may claim to be acting in the name of God, but they are defying God's wishes. For every evil person who invokes the name of God be it Nazis or ISIS, there are countless individuals who invoke the name of God to save lives. The time of ISIS is also the time of The White Helmets, a volunteer rescue organization in Syria that rescues innocent civilians from bombings in the Syrian Civil War. Their motto is the passage from the Koran, "He who takes a life kills all of humanity. He who saves a life saves all humanity." Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, as well as other religions have versions of this passage.
God bless you.
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