Hi.
I hope no one hates me for this. You can check my comment history to see I’m truthful (that I left islam and immoral). I quietly left, I’ve never spread hatred or misinformation about Islam. I’m sorry if this post gets a tiny graphic. I’ve never told anyone this, and it’s a heavy burden.
Here are my issues with myself not Islam, even though they caused me to leave Islam:
- I am gay. I denied it for years, never entertained it. In fact, as dumb as it sounds, I forced myself to watch straight and lesbian stuff, but it did nothing for me (when I was younger, and only a couple times). To this day, looking at women does nothing for me. On the other hand, I find myself attracted to men. Part of my leaving Islam started with me realizing that I couldn’t focus on salah at the masjid because I was attracted to men. I have self control, but during the khutbah I was just getting too distracted and afterwards I’d have intense urges that led me to sin. I stopped going to the mosque to stop being turned on by the men there. That was a mistake of course, but it was leading me to masturbate and fantasize about having sex with men. That’s on me of course, not the religion. I’m just explaining what happened. I have never had any relations with men at all.
The reason I started to hate Islam for it is because I don’t want to live a life without romantic love, without sex, without a family. I can’t live like that. At the same time, I can’t see myself standing for jummah prayer while having plans to have sex with a man. I know the truth is not subject to my lust, but I hate myself and I can’t reconcile both (because of course they can’t be). I have a high sex drive, a lot of desire. I lower my gaze with men and women, which makes my life extremely lonely.
- I did something immoral and I can’t forgive myself for it. I made dua to Allah for a long, long time to get rid of it, but it didn’t go away. So, I turned to non-Islamic means. You can see what I mean if you care, but it’s shirk. While I didn’t get results for this exact problem, I got results for other things, which made me hopeful that this path would finally work, despite consigning myself to an eternity of Hell. I was going to pursue this path again to get rid of my problem, but Ramadan started and I wanted to repent and re-enter the faith. I have fasted and prayed salah all of Ramadan, I’ve made sure to turn my gaze from men - going as far as not talking to friends I find attractive. I’ve been reading the Quran daily, too, reflecting and striving to draw closer. Begging Allah to turn my heart, to make me firm, to make me straight even so I can at least get rid of this obstacle. I never stopped believing in Islam in my heart, but my actions without a doubt made me a kafir. I’m not denying that.
However, I haven’t felt better. I still have extreme guilt over what I did, and despite making dua every day and basically reverting to Islam, nothing has changed. My faith is still weak, I still don’t like practicing.
In total, I can’t live my life without a relationship. I’m just weak like that. At the same time, I felt betrayed by Allah for not helping me, even though I brought it upon myself. I turned to Allah after doing it and repented.
The purpose of this post is to reconnect with the Islamic community. I hate myself and I can’t get over myself. I’m arrogant, immoral, and stubborn. Islam doesn’t need me at all, I know that, but I really want to come back. But I’m preventing myself, and I can’t stop.
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