I made a post about a week back and I’ve since deleted it. The run down is I did something awful—some of you may know what it was—and the guilt of it is killing me. On top of that, I’ve realized one consequence of it is that my income is haram. Meaning everything I’ve done with it has been haram. My food and clothes are haram, and I am the man in the hadith whose entire life is haram so allah won’t answer his dua.
The guilt and fear of what I did is crushing me, but coming clean and setting the record straight will destroy my entire career and everything I’ve worked toward. Quitting my job will result in a massive headache, and the consequences can also ruin my career. I must stay another year here; assuming I’m not caught, then I’ll be able to move on. If I am caught, it’s all over. I feel trapped, but I’m not considering self-harm at all.
I’ve been begging Allah to help me for the last two years, but now that I realize everything about my life is technically haram, I’m not sure he’s even accepting my duas (at the very least in this world, I’m aware of the three ways dua are accepted). I’ve now been making dua for him to get me out of my job without harming me at all except maybe financially so I can stop earning haram income and I can move on. Plus, my guilt will be allayed, and the fear would decrease by a lot.
I can’t keep doing this, I can’t stay patient and submit to this. I refuse to stay patient anymore. I talked to a brother and I’m giving this another month (now 27 days), and if nothing happens then I’m not trying anymore in regards to the religion. I need a way out. I just need Allah to show me it and I’ll take the path. But if he doesn’t within a month, then I’m giving up on a good afterlife for the sake of happiness in this life.
This is a final cry for help, then I’ll plunge into a path of disobedience. All I ask is that people make dua for this situation to miraculously end for the sake of my afterlife and this life. Allah does not need me, but I can’t keep trying to earn his pleasure as I’m being destroyed. Make dua for me so I may stay on the deen. I’ve been making sincere dua everyday at least three times for Allah to keep my heart firm on his deen but I’m not getting better. I’m not brave, I’m selfish, I’m a low life, I’m immoral, I’m a kafir, whatever you want to throw at me. They’re all true.
EDIT: I just want to emphasize it: I am not suicidal nor am I having any thoughts of self-harm. That’s not what I’m referring to in the post. On the contrary, I hope Allah extends my life that I may return to the deen or, if I never do, to grant me some time before condemning me to Hell.
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