First off, thank you Muslims for being here for me. This religion is the only one I've cared for and has really been the only good thing I've seen on this planet for the last near three decades.
I'm giving myself a few days to tell the people who I love how much I care about them. I'm going to write my thoughts out, some letters, and just spend my last few days care-free.
My life has been a disaster from start to finish. I've endured nothing but trauma for years. I'm not going to use this platform to complain, however. I'm done with being a victim of shitty circumstances.
I've been broke. I have over 200k worth of debt. I have no job. I was cheated on. I've had several people I know to die on me or be murdered. I've been falsely accused of a crime and had to endure jail and being "charged". I've then received job discrimination, harassment, and am currently living with no hot water.
I'm sick and tired of having others define my life. I depend on others to tell me that I cannot get an apartment, that I cannot work at a certain place, that I cannot think my own thoughts.
I've been made fun of for being a Muslim. I cannot fit in anywhere. People of my own faith do not understand me.
I'm actually freer than I've ever been. I'm not caring anymore. I'm at peace with the fact that I'll be long gone and the following day life will proceed as it has always done. Many will go to work, many will watch TV, many will go out to parks, etc. It'll be as it always is, like nothing important has occurred and life will go on as normal.
I'm tired of the hardships and the trials of this life. I cannot seem to make it through. For every single moment of my life I've been let down or have had doors shut on me. As a matter of fact, every door has shut on me. I couldn't win. I have not been able to win once. I'm always in some sort of trauma, suffering, or misery.
In the last several years I've realized how shallow most are. I've realized that most people care about nothing more than themselves and about advancing their position in life. Most people are quick to judge.
Think about how easily people kill others in the court of public opinion? Yeah, well I was one of them. I suffered from being "guilty" because I'm a guy, a Muslim, and because I didn't understand my rights. I had to be guilty according to them because the truth did not make sense. Actually, it did, but they weren't looking to find out the truth, only to "use anything I say or do against me" without ever giving a damn about the fact that I was innocent. Although I had years of probation and eventually a dismissal, I've been left with trauma. Trauma by courts, the lawyers, judges, and the police.
The only thing that I can honestly say despite my terrible life that I actually care about is God. I realize that I do believe in God and want to meet God. I can no longer bear to spend any more time here on this cold and soul-less earth. Well, the earth itself is fine but the majority of its inhabitants are plain cold-blooded and I cannot imagine spending another month here.
As for love, I do not believe it exists romantically. I'm married and was cheated on. This person is just "used" to me. It could have been anybody. It could have been a rock. It just happened that I've been "here" long enough to be the one who is in a relationship.
I thought I was in love with a girl who cared about me before but she really just wanted my friendship and used me for things. I was naive and thought that she actually did care until I saw her actions. She asked me some questions that I really despised once and I never saw her in the same light. I proceeded to love her for what she used to mean to me and what "could have been" but lost all hopes of ever caring enough to try to make something more out of it.
My parents were great and I love them dearly.
I hope God accepts me into a place where I can finally be at peace. I just want to be somewhere where I can finally live care-free, pain-free, judgment-free, with no worries, with no crippling anxiety and depression. I want to exist in some manner that allows me to be around with all that is good and away from all that is evil.
God, I love you and I'm sorry that I've failed you and that I was misguided and not more grateful.
I've thought about this for a long time and it's finally time to carry out my plan. This is nobody's fault and no one incident or moment caused me to contemplate doing this. I've just been detached from this worldly life to the point that the worst and best moments of my life were nothing more than just mere "moments."
I was the worst possible Muslim, had terrible thoughts about God, and committed too many sins that nobody knows about.
I am plain tired of being tired and want to finally be free.
Peace.
[link] [comments]
from Islam https://ift.tt/2ODUsvu
Post A Comment:
0 comments so far,add yours