TL:DR: My mom wants me to finish the Qur'an during Ramadan and her policing is making me resent it. I want to read the Qur'an on my own terms so I can love it, and Islam, again. Any advice?
Salam!
I have a strange dilemma. I (21) am religious, as is my mother, but she is also narcissistic and abusive. Throughout this school year, I've lost a lot of my faith (i.e. religious, not spiritual) for various reasons, but have been making an effort to hold on to as much as I can. With Ramadan coming, I'm making a conscious effort to get back into a lot of my religious rituals (ex. consistently praying 5 times a day instead of slacking). One of the things I want to return to is reading the Qur'an.
Because of my mother's abuse, I have very negative connotations with the Qur'an. She used to scream at me until I cried and sit me down with her on the floor to read the Qur'an out loud, making fun of the slow way I read and belittling my voice. It pushed me away from it. Now, being 21, I want to reclaim the Qur'an and my relationship with Allah (SWT) for myself...only my mother is AGAIN interfering.
She is demanding me to finish the Qur'an in the month of Ramadan, setting my schedule for me and supervising me like I am a child again. I am a slow reader and cannot meet her demands of two or three chapters a day. Going from not reading it at all to finishing it in a month is incredibly daunting to me, and her policing is making it worse. I politely explained to her that I wish to start on the first day of Ramadan (she wants me to start earlier), and I wish to read at my own pace and time, but she said it is her right to police me (it most definitely isn't!).
I don't know what to do. Her yelling and her rules are making me associate Islam with something very negative and I don't want her to ruin my relationship with Allah (SWT) and the Qur'an. How can I go about this? How can I reclaim Islam from my mom?
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