There was a period of my life where I made terrible personal choices. I was completely lost and committed significant sins which largely just affected me. My journey back to Islam began slowly then hit me all at once and I was devastated by the realisation of the choices I had made. I repented continuously, wept for weeks, and changed entirely. I was horrified and couldn’t grasp the person I was but committed to learning how to pray, reading Quran, fasting, giving charity. Being good to my family. Although it was a painful period, I felt like I was in the light. I felt new and peaceful somehow. This was a few years ago.
Today, I am a shell of a person. My sins are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. Even my sleep is sometimes disturbed. Shame drips from my face. I try to take care of myself physically but hate myself so much for what I’ve done that I don’t believe I’m worthy of even the basic care at times. I have felt darkness closing in on me over time, suffocating me and stealing everything from me. Nonetheless, I continue to pray, give to charity, try to be good. I have prayed and asked Allah for positive change. For forgiveness. To not be defined by my worst choices. But I feel I am still in darkness.
Today, after my prayer, I said I’ll open the Quran, seeking a sign from Allah, to help me understand. The page I opened exactly described my worst sin. I didn’t see forgiveness for my sin in the verse and it made second guess that I felt that my repentance was accepted.
I’m writing here because I can’t speak to people close to me about this. But I don’t see how to rectify this. I have wished I was never born. I have wished I left this earth before committing those sins against myself and the commands of Allah. I feel like I am living a life sentence for sins I made when I was practically a child. This darkness I feel is not normal. It wasn’t here when I repented. I don’t know how to escape it.
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