Difficult relationship with my mother. Need advice.

This was a little hard to articulate but I need some direction on how exactly am I supposed to navigate this.

I have a difficult relationship with my mother.

A little context: I am a rape survivor and on top of this I have also been harassed and assaulted by a completely different person. I am sensitive and have always wanted to be cared after by my mother.

My father and my mother did not have the best relationship on earth. Whatever the fights were, I used to intervene. To the point where it also used to damage my relationship with my father. Basically, I used to step in for my mother.

Since the past 5 years, I have been noticing a very different attitude from my mother when it comes to me.

1. She hides makeup, lipglosses from me because she does not want me to use them. She uses mine. But hides everything from me. 2. Hardly ever compliments me. I do not remember the last time she even paid a single compliment. 3. She has a lot of issues when I wear her clothes. Once I asked her to let me wear her new sweater to a friends, she texted (which I didn’t see), and ended up calling me only to say that don’t ruin my sweater. Disclaimer: I am very careful when it comes to anything related to clothes and I keep things clean. There has never been an incident where I have ruined any clothing). The issues related to wearing her clothes have been so extreme، it ends with fights. I have stopped asking for clothes from my own mother. We wear the same size. 4. Whatever I do, she copies. For example, we were both going to a wedding. She was done with her makeup. And I was only doing the last bits and used an eyeshadow. She proceeded to take that from my hands and apply it on her lid. I told her it will ruin her existing makeup, but she wanted to use that. 5. She often ends up blaming me for whatever goes wrong. 6. Often blames me for turning my father against her. ( I do not, have always intervened, and I do not tell my father anything that happens between my mother and I anymore.) 7. Once, it was her birthday and I had planned something for her. But by late night. She, however, stopped talking to me. Started going like ‘this is all I get on my birthday’ and proceeded to slap me when I told her I do not understand this behaviour. 8. Once, we had a family meet-up with a guy I was looking to get married to. And when we came back home, I saw her crying silently right after. She did not tell me the reason. 9. She never talks to me sweetly, never gives me a motherly hug. However, yes, she does ensure I get my morning tea and takes care of me when I fall sick. 10. She also puts my siblings above me. For example, I had to save up money for a back issue I developed. But she asked me to use my money to throw my sister a birthday before she was leaving our country to study abroad. Many other examples I do not explicitly remember. 

There is much I have not been able to pen down. The only thing I can say is that whenever my mother accuses me of something as little as missing something, losing something (like a watch), my anxiety levels go up the roof. I have resorted to staying silent and I overwork myself that I do not go and sit with her.

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