Salam everyone.
I suffer from a condition called intermittent explosive disorder and borderline personality disorder. Over the last decade of my life has been very turbulent. A lot of trauma, abuse, blackmail etc has happened to me. It results in me being very bitter at the world and people around me. I often question and blame Allah for my issues. I know life is a test but sometimes I over react (due to my condition) and will say such harsh and disgusting words about the religion and people around me.
I have forgotten how to pray. I remember parts of it but I would not be able to do it without guidance. I had this feeling after getting married that I wanted to go to Umrah, so I booked the trip.
It would be our first time going to do Umrah.
I also have quit Marijuana (i used it to keep me from getting to rage) and I am ten days off it alhamdullilah.
I just want some advice. Should I still go to Umrah? I feel like I want to, but then something is telling me no. That i dont know how to pray so why go? I still have a few months before I go so I am trying but I feel so far away from deen at the moment as I have been quite ill recently as well. I keep blaming Allah and swearing. I am very mean to people around me yet I try to be great. I get triggered and get into rage over any little thing. I just feel like I am a bad human and dont deserve to go anywhere.
Please advice me brothers and sisters. I want to be better, I truly do. But I feel like I am too far gone. Has anyone been through this situation before?
Jzk much appreciated for any help or guidance.
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