Assalamu ‘alaykum everyone,
(To be honest, I was planning to post this last week, but in the middle of writing it I received some very difficult news. It completely broke me, and the past week has been very painful. Now that I’m feeling a little bit better, I decided to finish it and share it.)
2025 has been a very tough year for me both professionally and personally. I’ve been unemployed for months. I’ve gone to interviews, but without success. At the same time, I went through a very painful family situation. At some points, it felt like I couldn’t even breathe.
One surprising positive from this hardship is that it gave me space to work on my faith. Before, I was only doing the basics: praying the five daily prayers, fasting in Ramadan, avoiding harm to others. I thought that was enough. Deep down, I knew I could do more, but I wasn’t trying. Over these past months, I started waking up for Fajr and tahajjud, praying on time, reading Qur’an, doing dhikr, and reflecting on who I want to be. I feel closer to Allah and more conscious of Him, and for that I’m truly grateful. Honestly, maybe this wouldn’t have happened if I had been busy with a job.
All my life I’ve tried to live with gratitude and remind myself that as long as I can say “it could be worse”, I need to say alhamdulillah and thank Allah. That’s why whenever I face hardship, I try to focus on the blessings Allah has given me. It usually helps me find some ease.
But there’s still a struggle in my heart. I’m working on trusting that Allah will give me what’s best. At the same time, I feel afraid: what if “what’s best” doesn’t come soon? What if it’s in months, years, or something that will never happen? Sometimes this thought makes me hesitate unconsciously even in du‘a. After praying, I notice that sometimes can’t always ask Allah for what I want, almost as if my heart whispers: “What’s the point of asking, if it won’t happen or it’s not its time?”
So part of me wonders: if I feel this fear, does that mean my tawakkul isn’t sincere, or that my efforts to become a better person and muslim aren’t genuine?
Has anyone else felt something similar trying to grow closer to Allah while dealing with uncertainty, fear, or waiting for something? How did you deal with it? I’d really appreciate hearing your advice or experience
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