Really depressed.

Salam aleikum,

I don’t know if this is the right place to post, but I’m really struggling and I don’t know where else to turn.

Before I start, I want to say that I know people have it worse than I do, and that I should be happy with such a non-issue compared to what others are going through. I know, I keep telling myself the same thing. Still, I can’t help but feel like this. I’m ashamed to feel this way, but I still do.

I grew up in a Muslim household, but my deen has had ups and downs. Usually i wonder why Allah would allow or not allow something, do research about it and understand better.

Over the past year, I’ve been losing interest in life. I am lazy, aimless, and nothing excites me anymore. I have no motivation to work or study. No desire for a future. If i could stay in my bed for the rest of my life, i would do it.

My parents place a lot of importance on education. Which i understand because its a safe net. They want me to pursue a degree that will give me stability and status — something like engineering, medicine, or law. I first tried medicine but hated it. Thankfully, I was allowed to drop out because of my illness. I took a gap year and did nothing. I was so unhappy and now that i look back at it i dont even know why. I wasnt having school stress or any other type of responsibilities. I yearned for lives other people lived. Passionate people, smart people, happy people. I tried looking at other courses but found interest in none so i just ended up doing what my parents wanted. Why would i disrupt the peace in this household to do something i wasnt sure about

Now, I’m studying law, but I still feel the same way but worse. My mental health is worse than it ever was. I dont have discipline to study. My parents will be so mad if i stop im scared what they will do. I know the money should keep me going but all i can think about is how unhappy i will be. I don’t know how I’ll get through the course. Even writing this makes me feel embarrassed. People have really good reasons to be depressed and suicidal. People go through hell on earth. They would love to have my problems. Why cant i get over this.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I could become terminally ill so I wouldn’t have to think about suicide. I know suicide is haram and I don’t want to do it. But i want to escape so bad.

I know Allah puts people through tests, because saying you believe isnt enough. Im think im failling that test because i honestly dont think i can make it. I dont know how this situation will get better.

My parents say this could be the evil eye, because before uni i always studied hard to get good grades. Its how i can go to university in the first place. Im not really sure if this is evil eye because i always kind of had negative mindset, it just never effected me. Sometimes i wonder if im making the wrong choices, what if im feeling like this because Allah wants me to do something else. I think im just fooling myself at this point.

Sorry this has turned into a vent. But i have no one to talk to about this. If you have some advice, please share it with me. If you went through something you didn’t think would get better but it did, please tell me how

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