I suffer from severe ocd. Im addicted to nicotine and with every smoke I feel worse and I punish myself. I did terrible things in life which I still try to recover from. But I get worse everyday. Im close to going into the psychiatry because I don't trust myself anylonger. I have the worst thoughts about myself and my parents. I feel punished. When I try to pray, my brain keeps me from doing it. It's like im mentally unable to. And I don't want to force myself to do it. It should feel good and easy to pray, not like going against my psyche. And no it's not waswasa, It's my mental health. I still try to pray in private but I feel abandoned. Isolated and alone. Maybe the psychiatry can help me. I live in a Western country and my parents aren't really religious. My father doesnt care about Religion and my mother does only the most basic stuff. But they don't practice good values, they do what they can though. I feel they are not satisfied with me and they pressure me into a career I don't want and want to marry me to someone I don't know. It's hell really being this isolated. If you ask my peers they will tell you im the worst guy which is true to a degree. And I have no way of moving forward. I feel like I can't protect myself from the bad thoughts because Im weak. Idk anymore. I tried talking to my parents but they don't care about mental health we come from a poor country they have no awareness about mental health. It feels as if allah has forsaken me because he knows me how rebellous I am I didn't listen to him when I was younger so he doesn't listen to me. That's how it feels. I feel like the devil really.
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