Hello, I have recently turned back to islam around 2 weeks ago and I have been struggling a lot to forget all of the sins I have committed.
I have tried repenting to Allah but I feel, deep down, that I do not deserve forgiveness for anything I have done and it’s a feeling I cannot remove from myself. I find myself in momentary peace after performing salah or reading the Qur’an but shortly after I am consumed by the guilt of my sins. It’s not a thought that returns every once in a while, it’s always there, the belief that I am a terrible sinner and it is the only thought that is on my mind all day and night.
The moment I wake up all I can think of are my past sins, how awful of a person I am, it’s my last thought before bed and my only thoughts between. I am genuinely unable to get on with my life, I have stopped partaking in all of my hobbies, I can barely sleep or eat because theres always that horrible feeling of dread inside of me.
I was also in a relationship, but in these recent weeks I have been unable to get the girl i was with off my mind, I miss her so dearly to the point of tears and this desire is also followed by obscene amounts of guilt as I am also a girl, it’s a constant cycle and it’s haunting me.
I am also struggling with intrusive thoughts during prayer, horrible things which I would prefer to avoid mentioning invade my mind during prayer and these thoughts always come back, I also doubt my faith in Allah often times, whether Islam is the truth or not. I hate feeling like this and I just want it to stop.
I am too embarrassed to tell my parents or anyone close to me about this, I feel so alone in my struggles and I am drowning in them, I genuinely cannot function aside from praying or reading the Qur’an and I feel like a disgusting person, I am just posting to ask for some support or advice, I am begging for any advice that will help me out of this.
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