I think im falling inlove with my male friend as a man. I want advice, not comfort.

Before I start, I want to make it clear that yes, I know being gay is haram, and I firmly believe that. I want to change.

Alhamdulillah, I pray all the prayers everyday, read the Quran, and visit the masjid, and while im not perfect and shamefully I do sin a little I try to make sure my good deeds outweigh the bad ones. My best friend, “O”, isn’t as connected to Islam, but he tries—at least, I think he does. We’re like brothers. There’s nothing I’ve hidden from him, and same goes for him. We hang out all the time, game together, and yeah, we do show more physical affection to each other than what’s typical in most guy friendships, but I always brushed it off as us just being that close.

However, as of not really recently, or more like I’ve finally stopped ignoring it—I’ve started to notice that “O”’s behavior toward me might not be… normal (I know, no shit). He treats me much differently than his other friends, and hes much more affectionate aswell. Deep down, I always kinda knew, but I think he’s gay. We’re both not bad-looking, and we do get hit on by women fairly often, but he always acts cold or rude. Whenever we’d talk about girls, he never seemed interested. And whenever I’d get passionate about something and start rambling, I’d catch the way he looked at me—those eyes, man… like the way you’d look at your wife when you’re in love. I kept trying to ignore it all these years because I doubted myself, but now I think I’m sure.

I’ve always been attracted to women, and I still am. I want to marry a wife and, inshallah, have kids—if she’s okay with that. But lately, I’ve been getting… non-women fantasies. And a lot of times, my mind goes straight to “O”. I know it’s wrong, but he’s been stuck in my head constantly. I know what attraction feels like, and I’m scared that I might be attracted to him. I don’t want to be gay. I want to make it to Jannah. And it’s not that I’m attracted to men—I’m not. It’s just that he feels different.

Please, just give me the hard truth. Tell me how to fix this mess. I’ve tried praying it away, and it’s still there. I’ve begged Allah for guidance, for anything, and I feel like I’ve gotten nothing. Insult me, call me out—whatever it takes—just please help.

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