I have bpd, (used to have ocd and still lingering) and depression. I fully quit praying every. Single. Week. Usually the reason is that I get hit with this overpowering feeling that nothing is worth it and lose any motivation to be better. It’s clearly not just laziness since I used to pray daily in 2023-2024.
I start praying again because my life gets worse. My physical health problems get worse and my depression as well. Everytime I pray and do istigfar something good happens, everytime I stop all the blessings get removed and I’m back to living a miserable life.
I’m tired of believing that god gives special treatment to messed up people like me clearly I get whiplashed for the same sins everyone else does. This is literal torture at this point. And here’s the worst part: I can’t get medical help because I haven’t informed my country that I moved back to my parents house because they would cut off a huge portion of my financial aid due to me being a student and my family earing a lot (I’m required to take out student loan instead). I have quite literally no option here. I have sent out hundreads of applications and been to mutliple interviews and nothing. My sibling on the other hand is securing jobs without lifting a finger, due to connections.
I’m sick and tired of this. How is this fair?? These are only the problems I mentioned because I’m suffering in every single life area. I’m mainly annoyed that god isn’t providing a way out of this mess. Everytime I start bettering myself I fall back. I’m struggling 24/7 with deen and life.
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