Assalam Aleykom
I've seen that we could share some of our distressing moments here.
To make it short, I'm in a deep faith crisis, and it's not getting better. I feel like I'm slowly losing faith (some of it because of some matter regarding women and some rulings of Islam) and I'm just depressed to be alive. I can't love Allah nor Islam but I am Muslim and believe in it, it's just that I have no other choice, I don't wanna end up in Hell for eternity.
Life is distressing me, I just don't see the point of living and suffering in order to earn Paradise and therefore I can't love Allah. (hopefuly yet). I only see the punishment and all the rules and the fact that we have to suffer and I think I can't do it anymore. ( I don't come from a religious backround even though I'm born muslim, it's like i'm a revert and when I started practicing ten years ago, it just made me anxious and depressed tbh. The past 10 years have been rough )
When i try to reassure myself and kinda change perspective, I always have some thoughts that contradict the new positive reassuring arguments
I don't find Islam easy as they say and I'm deeply unhappy with my life. And I'm in literal distress, I don't wanna die non muslim but deep down i feel I don't even like the religion and I know I can't continue this way, I need to find how to love it because rn I'm almost becoming suic_idal, knowing that I'm trapped in this life makes me anxious and make me despair (not that I will attempt anything, I just wish I never were born in the first place, i'm just in distress and don't know what to do, I'm exhausted)
I've been to therapy, to a psych, I'm starting a new therapy soon but she's overbooked so i have to wait
I just read a comment on a reddit post talking about suicide that said "Allah loves you" and I just started crying
I'll stop here, but if any of you went through this, tell me how you could move on from it, and your duas are welcome (please)
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