I am a Sinner. I repeatedly sin, and I want to repent and I try to, but if I’m honest, when I sin, I don’t feel bad, it feels like my heart is sealed, and I’m so embarrassed about what I sin about that even being on an online platform thats anonymous I can’t open up about it. All I know is that I don’t want to be put in the hellfire, that’s why I sort of fear what I’m doing. And I know people are gonna reply and say “the fact that you’re embarrassed about it tells you that your heart isnt sealed”, certainly doesn’t feel that way. Because I do it repeatedly, I pray 2 rakats of repentance, but I don’t feel it in my heart. My repentance is not sincere, and I fall back to my old habits within a couple days. I acknowledge what I’m doing is wrong, but I honestly like genuinely don’t feel bad about doing it, not in my heart. I know it’s destructive, I know it’s bad for me, and I still do it.
I have found especially in the past 2 years of my life nothing has gone my way. Not just that, but things take the worst turn imaginable, and I keep trying to get up, I keep trying to fight the setbacks, but I keep failing, time and time again. Is this some sort of divine Justice? Is this a punishment for me sinning?
Yes I sin, but I also pray almost 5x a day every day. But with that, how are people who are not Muslim and indulge in the same behaviour and worse not getting their Justice? I have worked the hardest I’ve ever worked in the past 2 years, and it feels like it has gone unrewarded
Any help and/or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
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